Monday, August 4, 2014

Bed rest thoughts

Photo from the web
I write it in a point of helplessness: when I can't walk on my own, eat on my own and even bathe by myself. I write it at a time when I am at my most vulnerable point - insecure, pained, wounded.

I've been wanting to write since I was admitted in the hospital but I was on a complete bed rest that even the only way of escape I know was taken from me. Even tonight, I can't call this writing because I'm only typing through my mobile phone.  I am not yet allowed to sit for a long time and the brace on my back limits my movements.  I must admit, it's hard to be grateful in times such as this. It's even harder to say I'm fine when the days ahead suddenly came to a blur. The first night after my operation was the hardest time to deal with myself - the never ending what ifs, if only, what now, why me. I allowed myself to cry, to familiarize the pain, to know  all the fears and all the frustrations I had in my heart. I calmed down after that.

But when you're on bed rest and you can't move around and all you do the whole day after exhausting all the books is wish that time flies a little faster, you begin to go through the same self pity cycle. It's tempting to indulge.  There are many reasons to be sad but I am convinced that there's even more reasons to be grateful.  Tonight, I am making a resolve to bless my Lord.

  1. For allowing me to book the Tacloban-Manila, Manila-Roxas City flight.  It was my first time to book that connecting flight because I always fly in to Panay Island via Cebu City.  That first time turned out to be a blessing :)
  2. For giving me the strength to make it to Manila. I was already in Tacloban airport when I felt the searing pain from my lower back to my right leg. I couldn't sit longer than two minutes! I was supposed to cancel my flight but I was advised to try enduring the pain 'til I reach Manila and eventually St Lukes. Going up the plane was already a struggle but more so when we were already instructed to fasten our seatbelts. My only prayer then was, "God let me sleep so I won't feel the pain." And I did sleep.
  3. For allowing me to live in a country where people are by nature sensitive to the needs of others. From the flight attendant who assisted me when I can no longer carry my things, to the other passengers who made way for me in the shuttle, to the shuttle driver who sensed that I can no longer move and offered his hand, to the airport staff who tried hard to make me laugh while maneuvering my wheel chair and talking to every staff possible to immediately get my luggage, I am grateful :) In a world where there is always chaos, I am glad to find interconnection with the people I'm sharing this life with. There's an overflowing kindness around and it encouraged me to keep believing in the goodness of men :)
  4. For the nurses and doctors who attended to my needs. I've always been afraid of injections and even with blood so I was at a loss for words when I was told that I need a surgery. I thank the Lord for giving all these people the wisdom and also the charm haha :D Truth is, if it wasn't for their smiles and reassuring faces, I must have passed out.
  5. For preparing us financially. I guess this is always the greatest fear of every patient. But the Lord has been gracious, providing us with every centavo needed to  pay for the bills. He is Jehovah Jireh, my great provider :)
  6. For friends. I am not a hospital goer because the smell of it alone already makes me sick. So yes, I know nothing even about my health card. From my bosses who kept monitoring me until I was able to board the plane, to all colleagues who visited me in the hospital, gave me balloons and cards and foods and funny photos, to those who sent encouragement and love, to those who kept texting and calling even when I cannot answer, gosh! I've never felt more loved! Friends, I believe, are more than what we think they are when we're all just having fun.  This season made me value friendship even more. I also thank God for the people who understood that my situation is not ok and that there's nothing wrong in shedding a tear about it - it made me more human :)
  7. For the gift of family. My sisters were with me when I was crying so bad and yeah, they just laughed at me haha. I love how I can just be at my weakest when I'm with them. My mom combed my hair like I was a little girl while my dad was very watchful with my every move.  I had the whole gang in my hospital room and we would pig out every night like what we do when everybody is at home.  When I was discharged from the hospital, my sisters were more strict than my nurses - they won't even allow me to go out of bed! 
  8. For my life. For every part of my body.  For every breath I breathe and for every waking moment.  Life goes with so much pain but life also goes with so much beauty.  My every morning is a miracle, my every minute is a gift.  There were times, actually a lot of times when I took life for granted but this very season reminds me of how I need to take care of my body.  I can question God and tell Him that He didn't protect me but this body is mine and God is not responsible for the times I abused it. I can only be grateful now.  I was told to rest for two weeks and that I still cannot travel for a month so I guess, this is my time to really rest.
  9. For the vision.  I thank the Lord because He gave me a vision and this what motivates me now to keep going.  I look forward to every single day because it only means that I am getting closer to that time when the Doctor will tell me that it's okay to do fieldwork again. I guess, when a person finds her purpose in life, things just fall into place because that purpose will bring meaning even to all the things that do not seem to make sense.
It's the third day of my house arrest (for the lack of a better term) and everyday, I struggle with boredom and impatience.  It's not easy but I choose to trust and wait on Him.  I pray that the Lord will continue to open my heart so I can see far beyond what the natural eyes can see.