You won my heart

You won my heart.

When your love became more stubborn than I am. When you chose to chase me instead of letting me be. I've been hearing your voice all around. It irritated me at times because it felt like having you around is limiting.  I can’t breathe.  I can’t do what I want.

But when I asked for my time alone, your silence captivated me.  And you won my heart.

Because you gave me space to decide out of love and not out of anything superficial. I do not know how you do it but through the years, I've learned that your silence is sometimes your expression of a deeper love. Overwhelmed, I still cry about it sometimes.

And though I want to say that ours has been a perfect love, I can't. It was and still is a love-hate relationship. The epic statement: no, it's not you, it's me.

Yeah, it's me. I am the one always hating. But it pains me, too. Because I also want to love you.  To give you my all.  But I am too selfish, too rotten inside. The pain, I guess, comes from the guilt that I can never love you as much as you love me. I even cringe at the thought that someone like you is willing to love someone as undeserving as me.  I know.  I still need to be more accepting of grace.

But you keep winning my heart

Because  your love doesn't bribe.  While it can never be bent by my callousness, it also won't bow down on my childish deeds.  Your love is both gentle and firm.  It knows when to say yes and when to say no without backing down.

There were times, a lot of times when I wanted you to answer. To say even just a word. I wanted you to move. To do something. I wanted you to work on my favor.  I wanted you to align your plans with mine. I always grumble. I wrestle. I fight. I escape.

But you cannot be moved.  You always know better.  And so your love can take an expression I don’t think I can ever understand.  It takes even the form of a heartbreaking NO. That hurts! But at the end of the day, the crossroads and the detours would just bounce me back to you.

I wish I can love you as much. But you never demanded for anything in return. Yours is never an imposed love. Yours is a love that keeps giving; a love that is generous with time and is never in a hurry.

I am amazed with how long your love can wait.  That is why you won my heart.
And you try to win it every day.
I don’t understand.

Why do you love me this much?

So now I'm saying yes.
Yes to all that you are
- even when I cannot understand
- even when it doesn't seem to make sense
- even if it is hard
- even if it is painful

And like how I can’t understand how your love gives me this glow, and peace and hope and overflowing joy, I will say yes to trusting you even when I cannot see you. When I see the stars crowding the sky, I will know it's you.  When the wind gently kisses my skin, I will know it's you. Because you taught me that love is possible even without seeing. It is something that wraps the heart and teaches it to be patient – until that day when love will be as visible as the morning sun.  Until then, my heart will be content in looking at the sky.  Because somewhere, it that vast horizon, I know you're there.  

I'm saying yes because you loved me even before I decided to love you back. And though I was never there, I know you were thinking of me when you were on that cross, hanging with a nail-pierced hand, deciding to love me with all my pains, guilt and shame.  I was captured by a freeing love.

I'm saying yes because time and again, your love exceeded the stubbornness of my heart. 

You just don't give up, do you?

And that is probably why you won my heart.  And even if my love can never equal yours, let me still tell you this:

P.S. I was on my way home last night when I heard this song from Don Moen, hence the inspiration to write this blog.
Amazing love, indeed!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-tbEN7lYGU