Thank you, 2014

“If I stayed here, something inside me would be lost forever—something I couldn't afford to lose. It was like a vague dream, a burning, unfulfilled desire. The kind of dream people have only when they're seventeen.” 

― Haruki Murakami, South of the Border, West of the Sun

Thank you for teaching me to leave, 2014.

For showing me that the word is not just about parting

that it is not forsaking but actually bequeathing

that going is growing

and leaving is giving and living.

Thank you for the 40 plane rides that brought me to a series of coming in and going out. The places I’ve been to had several faces and I am grateful for the hugs, the smiles, the hand shakes and all the stories that amplified the purpose of my existence. 

“We live in a world where bad stories are told, stories that teach us life doesn't mean anything and that humanity has no great purpose. It's a good calling, then, to speak a better story. How brightly a better story shines. How easily the world looks to it in wonder. How grateful we are to hear these stories, and how happy it makes us to repeat them.” 

― Donald Miller, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years: What I Learned While Editing My Life

Thank you for the hi and goodbye. It’s funny how we get a lot of apprehensions before we meet someone and end up crying when the time is up.  Crazy, isn’t it? Just when friendships are forged and everyone is making good memories, time will be up.  Or maybe it’s not the circumstance. I was the crazy one.  There’s a part of me that has always been afraid of change so I had the tendency to hold on to what is steady, the so-so, the just okay.  I knew it wasn’t right but aren’t we all like that sometimes?  We hold on for so long hoping that the world will be in a standstill so that things and people remain as they are.  Yet the clock ticks and each second brings changes that require us or our loved ones to move out.  I won’t say it’s easy because it’s not.  But if there is one thing that I got from a mentor, that is the selflessness in leaving.  Someone must leave so others can grow.  Someone must move forward so others won’t get stuck.

I also learned that in the story of leaving, there’s the one who goes and the one who loosens the grip.  So thank you for the people who let me go when I had to leave.  If the whole of my 26 years was a career trek, then 2014 was my peak.  I owe it to the people who gave me their trust and love and sacrifice.  To them, I give my highest respect.  

I must also admit.  There were words I had to leave unsaid.  Call it play safe or cowardice or anything you want but to me, this is leaving in another context.  There are battles that need to be won by silence.  And if silence means leaving the words afloat to that vast starry sky, then let it be.  Because some things are just beautiful as they are and walking away before they even begin or end is an expression of a greater love.

Finally, hurray to you for uprooting me from home.  Thank you for taking me out of comfort zone so I can come back to it with more love and appreciation. My deployment in the global response was growth in all its sense.  Thank you for the road, the long stretch of rice fields and mountains and seas where most of my resolves were made. You are a prelude to a grand crossover, my affirmation to what is about to come. 

Thank you for teaching me to leave.  I may have sank deep somewhere but you showed me that I couldn’t sink deeper in His grace.  And so the journey goes on.

Thank you for teaching me to leave you with a smile, 2014.  It has been a year of spectacular things. I now close the final curtain and take a bow.

Always in awe,

Joy

Dog stories: Of losing and healing

Vincent shows the place where Budoy came to his rescue.

Vincent’s family didn’t expect that he would want to hold a dog again after he lost his best friend Budoy during Typhoon Haiyan (read story here http://www.rappler.com/move-ph/campaigns/55248-heroesofhaiyan-different-breed-hero).

“I sat beside him, speechless. He was just with me before the typhoon. I survived. He didn’t,” Vincent said a year ago.

Budoy, his dog best friend for six years, drowned after saving Vincent and his mother from the crashing waves of Haiyan.  

For the first four months after Budoy's death, he distanced himself from any pet.  But he was found again - this time, by another dog.

He named him Juan, taken from one of the country’s famous TV shows, Juan dela Cruz.

“Because like Juan deal Cruz, he is a fighter and he is a survivor,” says Vincent.  He still is a man of few words but when he’s with his new-found friend, you see a different side of him.  

Juan is one of the family’s dogs and was only 4-month old when Haiyan struck.  Three days after the typhoon, the family found him in one of the fallen trees - afraid and wouldn’t want to go down.  For days, Juan seemed like a mad dog so the family was left with no choice but to keep him tied up.

“Vincent would just pass by him and Juan would just keep barking.  It was a surprise when one day, we saw Vincent pacifying the dog’s cry,” explains Emily, Vincent's mother.

The connection was instant.  It was as if Vincent was all that Juan needed to calm down.  When Vincent whistles, one can see the special bond between the two. When he raises his hand, Juan would reach for it.  When he sits down, Juan’s head automatically lands on Vincent’s lap.   Today, Juan is free to roam around the village.

I can't believe a year has passed.  The last time I saw Vincent was November 2013.  I got the chance to visit him again this week to hand him the Haiyan commemorative book which includes his story with Budoy.  He kept looking at the page, perhaps remembering his first dog best friend.

“Vincent still doesn’t talk much about Budoy but we are grateful that we can now see him playing with Juan,” says Emily. 

I was never a dog lover and I don’t think I can explain how Vincent feels.  One thing I am sure of though. His friendship with Juan is helping both of them heal from the scars of Haiyan.

And Budoy, wherever he is, will always be a reminder of a dog's love and loyalty.

Kwento at pagtatagpo

Posible kaya?  Hindi ko rin alam pero gusto kong maniwala na posible nga.  Na may tamang panahon.  Na may nakalaang pagkakataon.  Sana ramdam mo rin. Sana naririnig mo rin.  Ituloy natin ang kwento.  Dugtungan natin ang pahina. At sa pagkakataong mahirapan tayong humanap ng tamang salita, magiging sapat ang katahimikan at maging ang kawalan ay durugtong sa ating nasimulan.

Narito lang ako - hanggang sa ating pagtatagpo.

Homesick

Photo from Google Image

Alam mo yung pakiramdam na lahat ng kalsada ay patungo sa kung saan maliban lang sa iyong tahanan? Nakaka-miss din kung minsan. Kahit naman kasi mapadpad ka sa napakagandang lugar, hahanap-hanapin mo pa rin ang pamilyar na daan kung saan naroon ang lahat ng tao at bagay na iyong kinalakhan.

What's worse than lack of love?

While poverty is a sad reality, is there anything more painful than dealing with the emptiness of the heart?

Erlinda, 68, was all smiles when the team arrived to check the ongoing construction of her house, which World Vision provided for. She was at her usual self – bubbly, energetic and full of life.

Seated with her left foot up, her chin rested on her knee and her hands almost hugging her whole body, there was no hint of loneliness in Erlinda. There was a certain glow in her eyes – an inner strength that radiates from her choice to be happy despite the circumstances she was in.

Everyone knew how her makeshift house, located quite a distance from her neighbors, easily leaks during the rainy season. But with all the smiles she can summon, she showed herself strong. Even when she talked about her experience during Yolanda (Haiyan), she laughed a lot. Erlinda’s demeanor only changed when she was asked about her new house.

A grandmother’s pain

“I never expected to have a house like this. I am used to having nothing but myself,” she said suppressing her tears. Erlinda shared that her two children were both killed years ago and that her husband already passed away. Her daughters-in-law took her grandchildren, whom she considered her only source of happiness. She was told they would need to study in another place.

“I saw them once and I invited them in my house. They promised they'd be back. I always look forward to that day. I am excited to see this house not because I will have a good space for myself but because I can hopefully offer a good place for my grandchildren," she said.

"When they hear about my new house, I am sure they will come and visit.”

Of mending and new-found friendship

When she started crying, a loud shout in between the sound of hammers came in: “Stop crying, you will no longer be beautiful. Don’t worry, I admire you!”

The joke came from Jerry. He is one of the carpenters training under the Technical Education and Skills Development Authority (TESDA) and will soon take the Carpentry National Certification (NCII) assessment. He also received shelter tools and materials.

When she heard him, Erlinda laughed. When she started to walk around her future house, Jerry shared her story.

“Her story is not new to our village. Everyone heard of how both her children were killed and how she's been living alone since then. But it’s only when we started working on her house that I came to know her better," Jerry said.

He added: "She talks and laughs a lot now. It's understandable because it’s only now that she has people around her to talk to. She's no longer just a story and I admire her strength. She deserves to be happy.”

Erlinda found not just a house but a company with all the carpenters working to help her. To Jerry, he found not just an opportunity for training or a job but he found deeper respect for a woman, a mother and a grandmother whom he got to know better.

“It is my first time to see her breakdown in tears and in the few days that we were here, I felt like I am his son who wants her heartache to stop. I want to thank World Vision on her behalf for the shelter.”

The support that World Vision and other organizations provide to Yolanda (Haiyan) survivors are more than just assistance. The story of Erlinda and Jerry shows it paves the way to finding a family, a friend and a refuge in time of adversity. Erlinda’s story went beyond a house being constructed to a story of two souls finding friendship and hope.

Bed rest thoughts

Photo from the web

I write it in a point of helplessness: when I can't walk on my own, eat on my own and even bathe by myself. I write it at a time when I am at my most vulnerable point - insecure, pained, wounded.

I've been wanting to write since I was admitted in the hospital but I was on a complete bed rest that even the only way of escape I know was taken from me. Even tonight, I can't call this writing because I'm only typing through my mobile phone.  I am not yet allowed to sit for a long time and the brace on my back limits my movements.  I must admit, it's hard to be grateful in times such as this. It's even harder to say I'm fine when the days ahead suddenly came to a blur. The first night after my operation was the hardest time to deal with myself - the never ending what ifs, if only, what now, why me. I allowed myself to cry, to familiarize the pain, to know  all the fears and all the frustrations I had in my heart. I calmed down after that.

But when you're on bed rest and you can't move around and all you do the whole day after exhausting all the books is wish that time flies a little faster, you begin to go through the same self pity cycle. It's tempting to indulge.  There are many reasons to be sad but I am convinced that there's even more reasons to be grateful.  Tonight, I am making a resolve to bless my Lord.

1. For allowing me to book the Tacloban-Manila, Manila-Roxas City flight.  It was my first time to book that connecting flight because I always fly in to Panay Island via Cebu City.  That first time turned out to be a blessing :)
2. For giving me the strength to make it to Manila. I was already in Tacloban airport when I felt the searing pain from my lower back to my right leg. I couldn't sit longer than two minutes! I was supposed to cancel my flight but I was advised to try enduring the pain 'til I reach Manila and eventually St Lukes. Going up the plane was already a struggle but more so when we were already instructed to fasten our seatbelts. My only prayer then was, "God let me sleep so I won't feel the pain." And I did sleep.
3. For allowing me to live in a country where people are by nature sensitive to the needs of others. From the flight attendant who assisted me when I can no longer carry my things, to the other passengers who made way for me in the shuttle, to the shuttle driver who sensed that I can no longer move and offered his hand, to the airport staff who tried hard to make me laugh while maneuvering my wheel chair and talking to every staff possible to immediately get my luggage, I am grateful :) In a world where there is always chaos, I am glad to find interconnection with the people I'm sharing this life with. There's an overflowing kindness around and it encouraged me to keep believing in the goodness of men :)
4. For the nurses and doctors who attended to my needs. I've always been afraid of injections and even with blood so I was at a loss for words when I was told that I need a surgery. I thank the Lord for giving all these people the wisdom and also the charm haha :D Truth is, if it wasn't for their smiles and reassuring faces, I must have passed out.
5. For preparing us financially. I guess this is always the greatest fear of every patient. But the Lord has been gracious, providing us with every centavo needed to  pay for the bills. He is Jehovah Jireh, my great provider :)
6. For friends. I am not a hospital goer because the smell of it alone already makes me sick. So yes, I know nothing even about my health card. From my bosses who kept monitoring me until I was able to board the plane, to all colleagues who visited me in the hospital, gave me balloons and cards and foods and funny photos, to those who sent encouragement and love, to those who kept texting and calling even when I cannot answer, gosh! I've never felt more loved! Friends, I believe, are more than what we think they are when we're all just having fun.  This season made me value friendship even more. I also thank God for the people who understood that my situation is not ok and that there's nothing wrong in shedding a tear about it - it made me more human :)
7. For the gift of family. My sisters were with me when I was crying so bad and yeah, they just laughed at me haha. I love how I can just be at my weakest when I'm with them. My mom combed my hair like I was a little girl while my dad was very watchful with my every move.  I had the whole gang in my hospital room and we would pig out every night like what we do when everybody is at home.  When I was discharged from the hospital, my sisters were more strict than my nurses - they won't even allow me to go out of bed! 
8. For my life. For every part of my body.  For every breath I breathe and for every waking moment.  Life goes with so much pain but life also goes with so much beauty.  My every morning is a miracle, my every minute is a gift.  There were times, actually a lot of times when I took life for granted but this very season reminds me of how I need to take care of my body.  I can question God and tell Him that He didn't protect me but this body is mine and God is not responsible for the times I abused it. I can only be grateful now.  I was told to rest for two weeks and that I still cannot travel for a month so I guess, this is my time to really rest.
9. For the vision.  I thank the Lord because He gave me a vision and this what motivates me now to keep going.  I look forward to every single day because it only means that I am getting closer to that time when the Doctor will tell me that it's okay to do fieldwork again. I guess, when a person finds her purpose in life, things just fall into place because that purpose will bring meaning even to all the things that do not seem to make sense.

It's the third day of my house arrest (for the lack of a better term) and everyday, I struggle with boredom and impatience.  It's not easy but I choose to trust and wait on Him.  I pray that the Lord will continue to open my heart so I can see far beyond what the natural eyes can see. 

You won my heart

You won my heart.

When your love became more stubborn than I am. When you chose to chase me instead of letting me be. I've been hearing your voice all around. It irritated me at times because it felt like having you around is limiting.  I can’t breathe.  I can’t do what I want.

But when I asked for my time alone, your silence captivated me.  And you won my heart.

Because you gave me space to decide out of love and not out of anything superficial. I do not know how you do it but through the years, I've learned that your silence is sometimes your expression of a deeper love. Overwhelmed, I still cry about it sometimes.

And though I want to say that ours has been a perfect love, I can't. It was and still is a love-hate relationship. The epic statement: no, it's not you, it's me.

Yeah, it's me. I am the one always hating. But it pains me, too. Because I also want to love you.  To give you my all.  But I am too selfish, too rotten inside. The pain, I guess, comes from the guilt that I can never love you as much as you love me. I even cringe at the thought that someone like you is willing to love someone as undeserving as me.  I know.  I still need to be more accepting of grace.

But you keep winning my heart

Because  your love doesn't bribe.  While it can never be bent by my callousness, it also won't bow down on my childish deeds.  Your love is both gentle and firm.  It knows when to say yes and when to say no without backing down.

There were times, a lot of times when I wanted you to answer. To say even just a word. I wanted you to move. To do something. I wanted you to work on my favor.  I wanted you to align your plans with mine. I always grumble. I wrestle. I fight. I escape.

But you cannot be moved.  You always know better.  And so your love can take an expression I don’t think I can ever understand.  It takes even the form of a heartbreaking NO. That hurts! But at the end of the day, the crossroads and the detours would just bounce me back to you.

I wish I can love you as much. But you never demanded for anything in return. Yours is never an imposed love. Yours is a love that keeps giving; a love that is generous with time and is never in a hurry.

I am amazed with how long your love can wait.  That is why you won my heart.
And you try to win it every day.
I don’t understand.

Why do you love me this much?

So now I'm saying yes.
Yes to all that you are
- even when I cannot understand
- even when it doesn't seem to make sense
- even if it is hard
- even if it is painful

And like how I can’t understand how your love gives me this glow, and peace and hope and overflowing joy, I will say yes to trusting you even when I cannot see you. When I see the stars crowding the sky, I will know it's you.  When the wind gently kisses my skin, I will know it's you. Because you taught me that love is possible even without seeing. It is something that wraps the heart and teaches it to be patient – until that day when love will be as visible as the morning sun.  Until then, my heart will be content in looking at the sky.  Because somewhere, it that vast horizon, I know you're there.  

I'm saying yes because you loved me even before I decided to love you back. And though I was never there, I know you were thinking of me when you were on that cross, hanging with a nail-pierced hand, deciding to love me with all my pains, guilt and shame.  I was captured by a freeing love.

I'm saying yes because time and again, your love exceeded the stubbornness of my heart. 

You just don't give up, do you?

And that is probably why you won my heart.  And even if my love can never equal yours, let me still tell you this:

P.S. I was on my way home last night when I heard this song from Don Moen, hence the inspiration to write this blog.
Amazing love, indeed!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-tbEN7lYGU

When a part of you is gone

photo from the web

I know.  You are happy now.  Everything is going according to plan. You love the people you are with.  You love the things that now surround you.

But how much of the old you have you sacrificed for the new you?

Maybe you remember it well.  You used to write.  You even kept a journal.  You used to go to a place where you get an inspiration and like how the night and the dawn predictably come in a day, you never missed the chance to write your thoughts.

 Then something came up. Perhaps a new job? A new love?

You barely write since then.

***

And I heard you used to love adventure.  You go from one place to another.  You travel.  You feel refreshed every time you are face-to-face with creation.  The trek fuels your spirit; the peak enriches your soul.  Until you got your dream job.  You are happy of course.  But you wanted to prove that you can do better.  Overtime.  Overtime.  Overtime. And you assumed that perhaps, after proving yourself, you can do it again.  Then promotion.  You didn’t stop.  You wanted more. 

Your trek has become as short distance as your home to your workplace.  Your peak has become your promotion.

***

Do you also remember how determined you were years ago?  You used to be a dreamer, a visionary.  You saw yourself landing in your dream job.  You wanted to go abroad.  You wanted to do something different for your country.  You told yourself that you will study really hard; that you will endure the long nights of working on your assignments and on algebra just to pass your exams.

 Then one day, just like in a fairy tale, the love of your life came.  He has his own dreams.  He has his own priorities.  But you love him.  And you want the relationship to last. Come what may, it should last.   So his dreams and his priorities became yours.  You said, what would you do with that career you’ve been working for when in the end, all you wanted is to be with this man. 

You forgot your dreams – for yourself, for the people who have supported you all the way. 

***

And oh, can you still see yourself when you were younger?  There was never a day in forever that you didn’t look at yourself in the mirror.  You believed that while physical appearance doesn’t define beauty, it is still your responsibility to take care of yourself.  You used to take care of your hair.  You planned for your clothes.  They weren’t as beautiful as those of celebrities but they were good enough. 

Then you got married.  And had children.  You wake up, cook for breakfast, attend to the kids, clean the house, cook again, get the kids from school, cook, teach the kids on their assignments. 

You never had time for yourself.  You wear whatever is available. 

But you tell me you are happy.

If you are in front a mirror now, would you take time to look at yourself? 

Have you missed that part of you which you gave away with time?

Don’t you miss yourself?

Then, tell me.  Honestly, how happy are you?  With all the glamour, the success, the love life, the children, where is the ‘you’ that you used to love and nurture?  Where is the ‘you’ that existed even before everything and everyone else came in? 

I won’t say much this time.  Just this one: please, love yourself.  It is never wrong.  It is never selfish.

Para sa OTSO

     

          Enrile girls.

                    

                    Nerds.

Boring.
                       

                     KJ.

Haha. Ganyan ba talaga tayo non? Parang oo na hindi. Kumbaga 50-50 lang.

50-50 sa Enrile girls dahil apat lang naman sa atin ang talagang nakatira ron. Kumpleto lang ang barkada kapag may pyesta, bertdey, kunwa-kunwariang group study at pag-spy sa boylet ni Silvina haha.

Nerds. Hindi rin. Iyong tipong may suot na glasses, mahabang skirt, libro lagi ang dala, kapag break time, libro pa rin ang binabasa. Iyong natapos ang apat na taon at hindi ka man lang naalis sa pagiging classroom officer. Hindi kaya! Nakiki-basa rin naman tayo non sa pocketbooks ni Ate Benelyn! Eto pa, kung akala nila ay puro Creative Writing class assignments lang ang sinusulat naming ni Chie, siyempre mali! Natapos ang 3rd year na halos mapuno ang isang notebook naming para sa chikibels na tulang Before I Let You Go, Somewhere Down the Road. Pamilyar ba? Oo, nahugot ang mga yan sa mga senting kanta haha.

Boring. Errr!!!!!! Sa pamantayan ng mga bulakbol, malamang oo. Pero sa pamantayan ng mga responsableng mag-aaral (ahem ahem), of course not haha. Pero sige, iisa-isahin natin ang boring side:

1. Iyong may prescribed PE short na above the knee, bumili ng sariling yellow short at pinaputulan ng around an inch below the knee- yeah, the manang style!

2. Iyong JS Prom, nagbunutan kung sino ang sasama ng Manila (dahil libre ang sasakyan) para bumili ng damit para sa sinasabi nilang pinaka-exciting part ng high school life. Pumwesto sa likod ng pick up, nahilo sa Viscaya at ang ending sa dress hunting ay shimmering glittering na may slit at may kasama pang shawl. At ang kulay? Dark blue at violet na nung sinamahan ng make up, yay!! Disaster to the nth level. Pero siyempre, nung time na yon, feel na feel pa natin. May group picture nga na naka side view ang lahat tapos ang kamay ay naka-pwesto na parang iyong sa choir. I repeat. Nang time na'yan, maganda tayo. Yiiii!!!!!!!!!! Hahaha

3. Iyong sawang-sawa na ang canteen staff dahil wala na tayong ibang pinupuntahan for lunch. Kunwa-kunwariang bumibili ng candy para lang makakuha ng table. Minsan, nakasabay natin si crush. Napilitan akong bumili ng kanin at ulam dahil ang baon ko nang araw na ‘yon ay adobong sitaw. Kalerki!

4. Iyong snacks time, di papansinin ang 8oz coke kundi papatusin ang litro, kukuha ng walong supot (na-miss ko to) tas punta sa hotdog stand na may footlong para divided into 4 ang isa, sakto na ang dalawa! O di ba?Busog na, tipid pa!

But we weren't at all boring.

1. Nagpapaalam din naman tayo para sa group study pero ang punta ay sa pyesta. Nagpunta nga tayo ng perya, sumakay sa ferris wheel at ang inabot ay sakit sa ulo at pagsusuka.

2. Iyong tumakas sa intrams para lang maligo sa ilog at take note, naligo sa ilog na ang suot ay pajama – soo manang. Pag-uwi, ingat na ingat na wag dumikit ang puwet sa upuan ng tricycle dahil paniguradong mababasa ang palda. Alam na siguro kung bakit - basa ang _____. :D

3. Iyong akala ng lahat, wala tayong love life pero meron, meron meron!!!!!!!!!!! Hindi nga lang official hahaha

4. Iyong nauso ang textmate dahil sa unlitxt na yan at nauso ang cheap na sim card na may free load at naging suki tayo ng swap… Pinaka-maraming textmate si Honey!

5. Iyong kunwaring magsi-CR sa SPA building pero ang totoo ay gusto lang silipin ang crush (hindi ako yon!)

Oh well, after 9 years, marami ang nagbago.

“Well my music was different in high school; I was singing about love—you know, things I don't care about anymore.”

Charot lang haha.  Medyo nabawasan ang manang look (in fairness naman), hindi na tayo naghahati-hati sa sandwich, hindi na rin masyadong patok sa’tin ang unli. Iyong may love life non, sila na ang wala ngayon (sino kaya yon haha) tas yung akala mo tomboy non, aba e wagas kung pumorma ngayon.

Ang kulot, umunat. Ang unat, nagpakulot. Oh well, the ironies of life. May kanya-kanya na rin tayong kwento sa career, sa pamilya, etcetera, etcetera. Iba na ang usapan ngayon: kung noon ay magbabayad ng tumataginting na tatlumpong libo ang unang-mag-aasawa, ngayon ay highly recommended (with matching premyo) na ang pagkakaroon ng lovelife.

Hay! High school life oh my high school life (sabay left and right ang kumpas ng ulo).

Pero sa lahat ng pagbabagong ito, may isang natirang totoo:

Ang OTSO: Kahit sa maraming taon na di tayo laging nagkikita, buong-buo pa rin ang barkada. Dumarami lang siguro ang napaguusapan at lumalawak lang ang mundong ating ginagalawan. Pero ganon pa rin. Walang nagbago.  May aso't pusa (Keith at Raisa?), may tine-text pa rin ng tatay (Joyce?), may seksi pa rin (ako ba 'to? haha)... ahh basta. 

Sa lahat ng ito, kasamang lumalalim at lumalawak ang pagkakaibigang nabuo nung High School years and for that, I am most grateful. Dalaga na tayo!!!! Hahaha…

PRESENTING OTSO VERSION 2.0!!

P.S. darating ang araw at mabubuo rin sa picture ang walo. Baka nga di na lang walo dahil that time, ahemmm..meron ng mga chikitings!! so help us, God haha :)

2014: THAT BIG SURPRISE AND ALL THE IN-BETWEENS

Talk about surprises.

December 31, 9:00 PM.  We were attending a Church service before the New Year comes in.  The Pastor asked us to take the time to talk with God.  Things were running in my mind but I wanted to be specific.  I knew I can never dictate God.  But that night, I was His little girl - honest and outspoken.  And He gave me His words,

“Over and over, you've told me to take charge.  This year, allow me to give you my sweet surprises.”

Surprise.  I love the word but I am not so patient, Lord.  I want to know!

Minutes.  Hours.  Days.

Silence…

Then came the first week of January.  Out of nowhere, in the most unexpected place, I had my first surprise (this, I will have to write when the right time comes). 

I look back on that day and realize that surprises are indeed beautiful.  Had God told me about it earlier, it wouldn’t have felt that way.  There could have been no heart-pounding moments, the could-this-be-true reactions when I had to blink my eyes over and over just to make sure it’s real.  And God, for the nth time, proved Himself right - He knows!

So this year, I resolve to wait for the second, third and the many more surprises that He prepared for me.  But I know there’s one thing I must not forget: 2014 has 525,600 minutes and the big surprise may happen at the 525, 599^th .

So in between…

I will wake up earlier than 7 to appreciate how the sun slowly colors the sky when the day breaks in.  I will stare when the world is covered with a head-turner sunset and be in awe when darkness takes a different form of art as the stars and the moon take their place. 

I will be more welcoming to pain and heartbreaks and heartaches because it’s in those that I will learn more of forgiving and giving and loving.  I will prepare a room to deal with frustrations and anger and failures because I know that I will never be spared from those.  I will allow myself to breakdown when life gets hard and shout when circumstances get a little out of hand.  I will shed a tear.  I will cry knowing that crying is also healing. 

While I wait, I will love.  Sometimes, talking just doesn’t make sense.  But silence does.  And in my silence, someone can speak.  And I can listen. 

Love needs no words, at times.  Presence is enough.

And when the world becomes too demanding and busyness makes me forget that I belong to a family, I will slow down.  I will take time to sip coffee with daddy, sit and do nothing with my siblings and share stories with mommy.

Time.  Nothing beats it when it comes to love.

In between the waiting and the unfolding, I will live.  I will get lost in places I’ve never been to.  I will cross islands and mountains and forests and rediscover the beauty of creation.  I will take my books and read them in a beachfront.  I will learn to ride on waves and know that my life is more of an ocean: sometimes it is steady and sometimes it is not.  I need to learn how to wave with my own waves and learn when to go out from the water world and kiss the seashore.  Yes, I’ll have to learn that I am connected to something bigger and wider so I have to feel the sand and allow other people to also step in my world.  And though I believe in the goodness of man, I have to accept that they, too, can hurt me.

So while many can be merry, there will be times when I’ll have to take my time alone – to do the mending, to listen to my own voice, to look at myself in the mirror, to study nothing else but myself.

I will scream, go crazy but I will know more about ‘me’.  I will live.

And I will write.  Not just for me, but also for you.

I want you to also believe.  I hope, you, too, will believe in the beauty of the unknown.  That you will never lose the excitement for what awaits you.  I want you to believe that they will come.  Not in your appointed time but in God’s perfect will.

Above all, I hope that while you wait like I do, you will never be consumed by what you’re waiting for.  You will live.  You will realize that there’s so much more in between the waiting and the unfolding; that there are small but equally beautiful surprises for your taking.  I hope that while you have that joy for the future, you will never forget the now, the first 525, 599 minutes of your year. 

And when you get to see your surprise, know that I will be smiling with you. 

And your story will be an added bonus to God’s sweet surprise for me.

photo from the web

P.S. I’ve been compiling several things in this blog and it took time before I decided to finally open this to everyone.  But here it is now, still part of the ‘I will’ list and the in-betweens J

LOVE IS... (For You Dear Rizza)

photo from the web

You know I seldom write about love these past months. One can scan through my journal and all she'll find are beginnings. I couldn’t finish one. No, I do not want to finish one. I go back to the old notes but none of them seem to awaken a familiar feeling anymore. Maybe it happens. Words somehow lose their meanings with time. One can relate though but the emotions that go with them when they first came to life are somewhere in the past. Lost. Void. Forgotten.

Then came the conversation last night. Defining the non-negotiables. Standing and never compromising. You shared your typical-girl-who-wants-to-be-in-love rants. Been there, done that (imagine me waving my hands, haha). Well, sometimes, I’m still in between. I float between the feeling of rushing into love and the feeling of waiting ‘til Mr. Right finds his way. Urrggh, the usual me :) But talking with you made me want to write about it again. Not in bits and pieces. I want to write it in whole this time. 

Perhaps, through this, you would know and you would understand why I’m giving love all the time it needs. And you would see that it’s taking a little longer than man’s own version of time. But still I resolve to wait and I hope you would do the same. ‘Til love, a God-send love hits us both dearest sis, straight from the heart. 

So here goes your back-from-hiatus-hopeless-romantic-joy. I’m not sure I can write it well but I will try, anyway. I guess the advantage of forgetting is being able to fill in the empty spaces with new love-perhaps, new love-hopes. Remembering only few from what I used to know gives me a wider view of what love is. 

Love is when I feel I’m at my best and I know he’s there and he comes and shakes my hand and he smiles. The ever prepared me will also smile, summon all the words I have rehearsed for long but will fail big time. The epic fail, I will unconsciously leave and soon regret that I did. Because the truth is, I can never be prepared for that moment. Every detail of it would be a delightful surprise. I will run out of words, I will get conscious, I might not even notice him at first or he may find me intimidating. But love, when he recognizes me, will pursue me, first from God. 

Love is one funny morning when he would come to my house and find me sipping coffee and talking with daddy. Shaking on the inside, he will sit with us and start stammering but will keep on trying until he finds his way to my father’s heart. It’s when I would take time to make coffee for him (oh I wish he loves coffee, too) while he bravely stands the man-to-man talk with dad. I will ask afterwards but he will just smile, and I, too, will smile. 

Love is when we disagree on many things and I make a resolve to get angry and stop talking to him. But not an hour will pass when my guards are down. And slowly, awkwardly, we break the silence and laugh as if nothing happened. Because love understands, it is ever patient and forgiving. 

Love is when the years have cooled down the ephemeral tickle of ‘I love you’, ‘I miss you’ and ‘wish you were here’ and we will both decide to stay and rediscover how it felt like when we first met. We will give in to temper at times and we would question why we wanted each other. But even that question will lead us to realizing the reasons love came in. And we will stay. And I love you, I miss you will again feel brand new. 

Love is when I watch him and my fears of the now and then and all the others in between melt away. It's not his promises, not his sweet nothings that will make me believe but it's the depth of his soul that comes bare when I look him in the eye. 

Love is when his muscles have been replaced with fats and when for me, 36-24-36 no longer applies. And still I call him handsome and he would say, “of course, that’s why you never stopped chasing me until I said yes.” And I would disagree. And he would call me beautiful, and I would answer, “you probably used a spell to make me marry you.” Then the teasing goes on. The children would find it corny and sweet. Just because when our lives begin again at 40, we see beauty in a whole new perspective: something more genuine, something more fascinating that emanates from the inside out. 

Love, when aging makes us forget, will be a silent, constant reminder that his story can never be told without Joy in it. Because love made us one and my story had become his. 

Love is, when I can write no more and death will take its toll, I have loved him, he has loved me. Utterly and purely. #

written 11.05.13

God in Malaysia (written 10.27.13)

It's my third time in Malaysia but I still fall in love with the place :)

I am writing from a different part of the world. I wanted to talk about the places I have so far visited, the foods I ate, the cars I’ve rode in and the people I’ve met but something from deep within wanted me to share something else. A burning passion makes me want to write something else.

Brokenness. In Malaysia, God broke me. Again. Piece by piece. Layer by layer. Every hour since I arrived has been a revelation of who I am before God and who He is in my life. 

1. Who am I in your life? I know I am on the right track. I know I am doing the things I like and the things closest to my heart. I know those things are likewise close to God’s heart. But yesterday, He confronted me: Joy, who am I in your life? In all the activities you have been so far doing, where am I? What occupied most of your time? Your thoughts? What concerns you? What matters most to you? Where am I in all of those? 

2. Will you be Mary instead of Martha? Not that I don’t want you to be doing the things that you are now doing. Not that I want you to stop working but will you find time to sit down with me? Even before you started all these things, you knew why you wanted them. And I gave them to you but along the way, they’ve snatched you from me. Or should I say, you began loving them more than me. I missed listening to your stories, to your different encounters with different people. I even missed your rants and your childish pleas that make me smile at times. There can be no sweeter offering but a fellowship with you, my child. Can I be your first love once more? 

3. Joy, will you trust me? Mary, out of her love for Me, poured all of her perfume and wiped my feet with her hair. The perfume was worth a year of salary. Judas, my disciple said it could have been sold instead, to be given to the poor. Sounded practical and logical but Mary didn’t listen. Martha was also complaining, asking her to help in serving Me but Mary kept on listening to Me. Mary never listened to man. She chose to listen to me. She chose Me. 

Joy, does the world’s opinion matter more than mine? When some aspects of your life are not going according to man’s time and calendar, do you listen to the world’s voice or do you believe that my purpose for you is my perfect timing? 

Like Mary who, without reservation poured all what’s left in the perfume, please don’t be afraid to lose because of me. Be afraid of nothing because I own everything. And as Mary opened the perfume without hesitation, please open up yourself to me because only then will my fragrance can fill the whole of you. 

4. Joy, I know! Have I ever failed you? In all your trying moments, have I forsaken you? I am the beginning and the end. I know. Every bit of you, every single strand of your hair, I know you. There may be times when I allow you to take detours but it is during those times that I want you to experience more of me. Trust me, you need those things sometimes. Remember the manna I gave to Israelites in the desert? Why do you think did I purposely ask them to get the manna every day? I could have allowed them to gather foods for the whole month but I didn’t. Like how I wanted them to GET fresh manna from heaven every single day, I also want you to receive a fresh revelation of my lordship every new day, not every month or every week but every waking day. 

Joy, I know your needs and I am never late to respond but more than experiencing the blessing, I want you to experience my love for you. 

5. Why do you limit me? I’ve created the earth for you and everything in it is for your taking. Why do you limit yourself? Why do you limit me? A man can have the latest gadget in the world but if he doesn’t know how to use it or if he wouldn’t want to maximize it, the gadget would be useless. Have I not given you the wisdom and the necessary gifts to enable you to do bigger things? I cannot work in you unless you make way for me. Go back to the dreams and vision you have written years ago. Activate your gifts. Think out of the box. Work harder. I will bless the work of your hands. I will expand your territory. You see, I allow you to be with the people you are with now, I allow you to experience what you are experiencing in this trip not just to treat or spoil you but to make you catch the vision. Catch the vision, dear Joy, then, let’s work on it together. 

6. I love you Remember that I have your best interest. I love you, please don’t forget that. I am and will always be your Father. 

--- 

Brokenness. Ahh, only God knows how many more pieces of me would be dealt with, in the coming days. I am excited :)

 

Enjoying the sumptuous meals with friends 

Have always been grateful to have these spiritual mentors, Ptr Li Mend and Ptr Raymond

Lovely children who are currently living in a home for Myanmar kids

Nations unite! Taken after the street feeding in Malaysia

And oh, I will never forget this jamming in Sixstrings :) Idadaan na lang sa gitara!

Let me do the teh tarik :) (An Indian hot milk tea served during the street feeding)

And another food trip with Uncle Alan

Lovely Nengsis :)