To My First Love:Jesus

Through it all you never stopped loving me
When you look into my eyes and your arms reach mine,
I feel the wind gently locking your soul to mine;
I feel the tenderness of your every whisper,
of your every embrace and of your every touch.
Looking back on the times you were with me,
I feel like a new being relieved from being barren;
Like a new creation starting to see the grandeur of earth.
Where could I hide from your love?
Where could I go aside from your presence?
In times of my weakness, you were my strength;
In times of my sorrow, you were my joy
And even in the time of my death, you shall be my life.
I love you with every breath I take
I love you with everything that I make
And I love you more each morning that I wake.

Reflections

I wrote this when I was 19. Reading it again now, I feel renewed. Youth are indeed idealistic and it makes me feel like I am back in those days when everything seems to be easy.

And when you’re done with your lessons of this world’s absurdities, when you’re fully equipped with armor against imperfections; when you’re back from your travel to the abyss, then you have explored reality. But if in your journey to reality you have recognized and chose forgiveness over pride, honesty from pretensions, being productive from being idle and being pro active from being too reactive, then you have had a glimpse of eternity.

Philosophical as it may sound but I’m glad that this time, I finally had the courage to share what is inside of me. I don’t even think that this is still a part of my craft, which is weaving ideas from a world of million words. I have this feeling that I am too young for these realizations.
However, this is a reality which the world never dared to understand. Why can’t we be the people and the nation that we should be? I was only 10 years old when I was separated from my family. As young as I was, I learned to be independent and at the same time, I learned what emptiness means. I tried to be strong but I realized that being strong is not enough to ease the pain. And it was during those times that I created a different concept of life. A concept contrary to what I used to believe when I was still that carefree and outspoken child. For years, I drew a line between me and this world.

Believe me, I, just like anybody else has seen and experienced the cruelty of fate. But it is only now that I am beginning to unfold the mysteries behind those tears. I know now that God had a purpose for me. So you see, life isn’t bitter after all. One reflection that I had is that the problem with me and the people in general is that, we know that life has something good to offer yet we always choose to remember only the hurts. We linger on the grim scenarios without even trying to negate the feeling or the situation. We demand without the intention of giving; we look at others’ mistakes without even trying to simply review ourselves. The product? A heart unable to love and appreciate.

I can say that I am a woman crafted by the twists and turns of life. I am who I am right now because I dared to detach myself from the intricacies of my existence and started to view this world with a hope - a hope that someday, in God’s perfect time, we, the people will learn the unspoken language of love. A dream that one day, the leaders will finally comprehend the simple meaning of leadership and service.

I remember my teacher asking me when I was in high school. She asked me why I write. Now, I know. I write because I want to touch lives. I know that what I am saying right now is very common. Yet I find it ironic that despite of its commonness, we still don’t get the point. Or perhaps we know the point yet we continue to hate corrections. People may question me for these ideals but this is what a young mind speaks of. The nation would like to hear the sentiments of the youth? Then right now, I say that we need people of action and not of rambles. The youth need to see a changing Philippines not just in terms of economy but more over, in the characters of the people whom we look up to.

Do not be content with what you have explored. Dig deeper, swim deeper or even climb higher. There is more to the realities of this world. If only we allow ourselves to penetrate the sanctity of all the heartaches we have undergone, we can see diamonds in our tears. If only we allow our eyes to see different perspectives, we can see a rose still in bloom despite of the many thorns. Learn to determine where you are before, where you are today and then decide where you will be tomorrow. I say this though I am young. Everybody has been a captive of frustration but not everybody has been wise enough to recognize the way out of this slavery. They die without even experiencing peace and without tasting heaven on earth. I remember Uleng who was featured in MMK. He is a living testimony of a young man who dared to make a difference when everybody around him chose to surrender. I know that despite of all the things he went through, he has found the key to the glory of living. It is because he has learned how to deal with life’s circumstances in the right way.

I don’t know where this life would take me in the future. I don’t even know if this article will be published or if it will somehow affect the people if ever it will be. People may even question me or may reject my insights but this is the reflection of who I am. If I write something that is against my belief, then I become a traitor to myself.

Sana..Balang-araw..Ikaw Naman..

This was my last column for CLSU Collegian. My stay with the University publication has made my college life worth remembering.

Marahil ay nagtataka ang ilan kung paano nga ba nabubuo ang mga ganitong libro. Marahil din ay maraming nagtatanong kung paanong ang isang manunulat ay nakakapagtagpi-tagpi ng mga salita upang mabuo ang isang artikulong maaaring gumising, magpaiyak, magpatawa at mangusap sa puso ng mga mambabasa.

Mahirap magsimula ng isang kwento; mahirap magsimula ng isang tula at higit sa lahat, mahirap ang magsulat. Sige, paglakbayin mo ang iyong imahinasyon, hayaan mong pumasok ang iyong kaluluwa sa mga bagay na sinasabing hindi totoo; hayaan mong malunod ang iyong isipan sa mga bagay na nakikita lamang ng pangarap, nararamdaman lamang ng hangin at naririnig lamang ng katahimikan. Hayaan mong ang kumontrol sa iyong lapis ay ang munting tinig ng iyong kaibuturan. Magsimula ka doon upang mabatid mo ang kalagayan ng taong nagbigay buhay sa mga karakter na nakikilala mo ngayon sa librong ito.

Kapag nagawa mo na iyan, baka sakaling kahit minsan ay magawa mong bigyan ng konting pagkilala ang taong nasa likod ng pluma at papel. Baka sakali ring sa susunod ay mag-iisip ka muna bago mo upuan, itapon o gawing pamaypay ang mga inilalabas na dyaryo. Higit sa lahat, baka sakaling malalaman mo ang nais kong ipahiwatig kapag sinabi kong mas mabuti pang base na lang sa imahinasyon ang lahat ng nakasulat sa isang lathalain.

Minsan kasi, napakahirap makipagbuno sa katotohanan; minsan, nakakalungkot ang magsulat ng isang realidad. Kapag totoong buhay at pangyayari na ang pinag-uusapan, laging may bahid ng kalungkutan ang bawat istorya dahil hindi lahat ng kwento ay nagtatapos ng “and they lived happily ever after”.

Habang hawak mo ang librong ito, nawa’y mabatid mo ang kapangyarihan ng pluma. Habang pinipilit naming ilarawan sa iyo ang totoo sa pamamagitan ng aming imahinasyon, sana’y dumating ang araw na mabago ng librong ito ang iyong pananaw sa maraming bagay. Sana’y magising ka ng kapirasong librong ito. Kapag may nagsabi sa iyong, “uy, ubusin mo iyang nasa plato mo, maraming ‘di kumakain”, sana, ‘di na lumabas ang kasagutang “’pag inubos ko ba ‘yan, mabubusog ba sila?”

Kapag sinisitsitan, basta-basta mo na lang hinohoy o dinadabugan ang mga NATO drivers dahil marahil sa taas ng pamasahe, sana lumukob sa iyo ang realisasyong katulad mo rin silang tao na dapat irespeto; katulad mo rin silang kumakalam hindi lang ang tiyan kundi pati ang puso. Kung gaano ang pagnanais mong makapagtapos ay siya rin ang pagnanais nilang makita ang mga anak na tumanggap ng diploma.

Habang patuloy na nilalabanan ng ating bansa ang kahirapan, patuloy din kaming nakikipaglaban sa kawalang konsiderasyon sa mga mahihirap. Minsan, kapag nakakakita ako ng mga matatandang namamalimos o matatandang hanggang ngayon ay nagbabanat pa rin ng buto para sa pamilya, hindi ko maiwasang hindi mag-isip ng maraming bagay. Ayaw na ayaw ko rin sa mga balita na nagsasabing may matandang nawawala sa mall dahil iniwan ng mga anak. Kung may titindi man sa pagiging salat sa pagkain, iyon ay ang pagiging salat sa pagmamahal.

Nasasabi ko ang mga ito dahil lola’s girl ako at naipangako ko sa sarili ko na balang-araw, hindi mararansan ng mga magulang ko ang mga napapanood ko sa balita. Nakamamatay nga siguro sa pisikal na katawan ang kawalang pagkain subalit mas mahirap ang unti-unti mong nakikitang namamatay ang iyong puso.

Marahil ay ito na ang huling column ko para sa genre at kung may nais man akong maiwan sa mga mambabasa ng librong ito, iyon ay ang lakas ng panulat. At sana, sa pagkakataong mabatid mo ito, magawa mong pagsanibin ang pwersa ng realidad at ng iyong imahinasyon upang busugin ang mga kumakalam na utak.

Kapag nabasa mo ito, sana ay magkaroon ka ng matinding pagkagutom sa mga mahikang hatid ng mga tintang nakapaloob sa librong ito. Doon ka magsimula dahil alam ko na kahit bata ka, may kapangyarihan kang baguhin ang iyong lipunan sa pamamagitan ng pagsulat. Hindi na lang basta love story ito, hindi na lang ito basta tungkol sa iyong mga crush na nagpapakilig sa iyo subalit ang pagsusulat ay isang rebolusyon upang magkaroon ng pagbabago. Kung dumating ang puntong maligaw ka, bumalik ka sa pagkakataong ito kung saan makikita mo ang unang dahilan ng iyong pagsulat – at iyon ay ang maging pamatid-gutom sa mga tigang na kaisipan.

Matalino ka, magaling ka, makapangyarihan ka. Suungin mo ang mundo ko, suungin mo ang mundo naming manunulat. Hindi lahat madali, hindi lahat magugustuhan ka subalit hindi ka nabuhay at lalong hindi ka nagsusulat upang subukang gustuhin ka ng lahat. Magpatuloy ka at darating ang araw na kapag wala na ang lahat, mananatili pa rin ang iyong mga akda at ito ay patuloy na gigising at magbubukas sa isipan ng maraming mamamayan.

At iyon, iyon ang magiging pinakamatamis na tropeo at medalya mo bilang isang alagad ng pluma at papel.

For Her

I wrote this column for the University publication about a year ago. One accident yet it has impacted my life. That girl is still in my heart and she will always be here. I wish young people will learn from this. One mistake may mean life.

Still I can’t explain why things happen beyond our control. Still I find it hard to comprehend life’s cycle and why that cycle should be that way.

I guess that’s how life goes on: joy, pain, success, frustrations, laughter, tears and so on and so forth. It will always be a mixture of sugar and pepper; a conjuncture of love and hatred. Life will never be as magical as fairy tales tell us because in reality, life has its bitterness to share.

I thank God because through it all, He never failed to show me that He loves me and that He is always there for me. It’s just sad that I waited for the most horrible whip I could ever think of before I learned the meaning of obedience and felt the consequences of disobedience.

It was hard and until now, the trauma is still there. The scene keeps coming back; the scar of losing someone is still haunting me. It felt like I was in a movie where the ending is tragic and yet, the feeling of just watching it and actually experiencing it are far different.

Who would have thought that it would end up that way? Sometimes, I wish I had the power to see the future. Sometimes, I wish magical powers are true and a fairy would come right in front of me, swish her magic wand so that I can have that power. Probably, that accident could have not occurred.

But then, life is life; reality is reality. I still am not in control of everything; I still am not a god who can say that I know everything. Maybe, when I will see Him, all these things and circumstances will make sense.

Even as I write this column, I can feel that I am not yet ready to write as I usually do. Things are no longer the same because of that incident. And yet, I want to continue what I have started because I have seen how much she loved her craft. I want to continue writing because in every article that I finish, I know she’s smiling. For every issue that kule releases, I know, she’s proud because she’s part of it.

For now, I just want to entrust my life to God. Others have already judged us without knowing the story but I have learned that this will always be part of the bitter reality of life. Some will try to destroy us, some will try to make us feel that they are concerned about us but in the end they would bite us but I know that my God is not blind. He sees more than what we can see and no matter how people pretend in front of us, I know He knows who is true and who is not.

This column is for her. This is for the girl who made me realize a lot of things. This is for the writer who no longer had the chance to share more stories but was able to leave a mark in the world of letters and words. This is for the person who would untiringly join us during press works and would willingly learn when given the chance. Above all, this is for the girl who became a friend, a sister, a daughter, a student, a grandchild and a writer.

I will remember her as the girl who avoided using my laptop when encoding her articles. I will remember her for her childish actions and yet responsible when given tasks. And I guess, one thing that I will never forget about her is that, she’s the only person in Collegian who gave and read a letter for me.

Funny it may seem but I am doing what I used to comment about people who have lost their loved ones. I am actually telling now how much I appreciate her despite of the fact that she no longer hears or reads what I am saying. The cliché lesson is, don’t wait for special people to die before you tell them that you love them or you care for them.

One day, I know I will understand life. One day, I will see the reason for every season. God’s thoughts are not my thoughts, His ways are not my ways but I know He knows what’s best.

This is for her. This is for Almira.

Above Rational

There are things that go beyond being rational. Sometimes, it isn't just about the brain; it is not just about the mind. When was the last time that you had a time to listen to that vivid voice inside you? When was the last time that you intently looked at your self in the mirror? I've been asking the same questions to myself.

Probably, I've made life a burden instead of a blessing that is why I cannot honestly answer those. It's been a while since I last talked to myself like a weirdo. It's been a while since I gave myself the chance to reflect and check if my heart is still doing good. It's not just about how the mind woks.

Yes, sometimes it's also important to listen to the heart and heed what the spirit says. This time, I wish to look at life in a lighter perspective. This time, I don't want to be hard on myself and on life itself.

Let this blog speak of emotions and not of anything else. Let this reflect joy, pain, success, failure and all the feelings that a human can feel. Let this shout for liberty of the soul and not captivity. Let this picture a living being and not just a thinking creature.