BacktoBasic - It's okay to wrestle

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Christian life is never an easy life. I’ve been warm and I’ve been cold; I’ve been here and everywhere but I never settled.  To be honest, God’s and mine isn’t the most stable relationship.

These past days, I’ve made a resolve to go back to where relationships normally start- the getting to know you part. To me, it meant going back to Genesis, absorbing every word, down to the most boring parts. In my mind, I’ve known the stories all along but I had to bring myself to keep going back because I thought, maybe a part of me has stopped remembering. My heart needs to be reminded.

I needed to be humble.

Webster dictionary defines pride as inordinate self-esteem.  When it persists, it consumes the heart so easily. It makes you think either so highly of yourself that you become too proud to admit mistakes or too detached you forget you’re part of a bigger circle. Pride makes you callous you no longer know inclusion. And so I love it when I re-read the account where Jacob wrestled with the Lord. Really? After deceiving his own father and taking his brother’s birth right, he still had the nerve to wrestle with God and ask for blessing? I mean, duh! Parang ang kapal naman masyado ng mukha.

But then I came to admire Jacob’s guts to ask for what he wants. There are times when I would hurt God and I would end up guilty. Then the guilt turns to self-condemnation then shame and coldness and eventually pride. It takes a lot of humility to ask from someone you hurt so badly. It takes a lot of fighting with your own self to finally reach out again.

And the man (God) did bless Jacob. I wonder why.

Maybe it wasn’t an easy feat. It was an overnight struggle and I wonder how that looked like. Were there heavy words thrown at each other? Was there shouting or begging? The Bible didn’t tell the in betweens. But to me, one thing is for sure.

I need to be as bold as Jacob.

And when I see bold it means I can argue with God. Psalmist David did. Even Job. God, in the past days, has taught me how to be more open to him – with my shame, my fears, my doubts and even my questions pertaining to his being just. He has been teaching me what I’ve known all along – that He can be my friend, my confidante, my father. He knew I have questions in my heart that I try to repress with the worship songs I sing. But He knows better and He wants me to let everything out and that it won’t lessen His love for me. Only when I become bold with my weaknesses, even to the point of figuratively having the hollow of my thigh dislocated (believe me, it can be too painful), that the Lord could have His way. It’s hard because it requires honesty – the kind of honesty that bares the smallest dirt there is.

I know. These are all easier said than done but I believe that the Lord honors a heart that seeks Him. I’ve realized that I can only do better with my relationships on earth if my heart is settled with my Maker. It’s going to be tough, even tougher than I thought it would be but like Jacob, I’m not letting go ‘til I get God’s yes.

And for whatever it may take, I know it’s a fight worth fighting.