I can't believe I am actually writing this now. I didn't expect it to be this fast. I thought, it would take me years before I can totally let go of the feeling. I thought it would even reach a lifetime before I can genuinely smile when someone asks me "how's your heart?".It's all because of God's grace I believe.
The first month was really, really bad. I've never cried that much before. I've never felt so bad and devastated until that day. It felt like moving on was the hardest thing on earth. Wherever I go, memories would keep coming back. It wasn't easy. Words are not even enough to describe how shattered I was then. And I must admit. I hoped. I wished. I even prayed that second chance would be possible for us. I cried rivers hoping that somehow, the love story which I grew up with would really have a happy ending.
Until God told me to let go. Until God whispered in my very heart that I should take my gaze away from that emotion and fix my eyes on Him instead. Until He told me that He is in control and holding on to something which puts Him second best will just make matters worse. Again, I cried. This time, I cried not because I didn't want to obey but I cried because I knew God was teaching me something. I cried because I've realized how focused I am on myself and on that person that I came to the point of almost forgetting God. I cried because I felt so guilty knowing that the pain I am going through is nothing compared to the pain that I've been giving Him because I neglected Him. I cried because the moment He showed me why He allowed it to happen, I knew it's really time to loosen my grip.
Then I started to pray like I never used to. Whenever my mind drifts away, I would call unto Him and ask Him to give me strength so that I can let go. I prayed that He would fill me with so much love so that I will have something more to give. I prayed that He would heal my heart so that I can breakfree from my own self. I prayed that He would show me His purpose so that I can easily move ahead. And yes, He granted the cries of my heart. Slowly, He unfolded His will in my life. Through the books I've read, through the poeple I've talked to, He answered my prayers.
I've never been bitter with him. I am even surprised that never have I felt anger towards him. Perhaps because what I felt was really true love. He has been my dream, my first love, my friend, my companion and there is nothing I can say against him. I know what we had was real but we just grew apart and so we had to part ways. I know he loved me as much as I loved him but we came to the point when love was no longer enough to keep the relationship going and so we had to call it quits. This is also the reason why forgiveness came that fast. More than the boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, we were bestfriends and no matter what happened, the bond that we have formed for years will remain unbreakable.
Today, I can honestly say that I'm ok. There are still times when I think about him but the pain is no longer there. When I think of him, I can now smile and sincerely be happy for him. I will not also regret the time that I fell in love with that man because I just know that my life wouldn't be as it is now without him. I am no longer afraid to dream alone. I am no longer afraid to see myself in the future without the person whom I've shared my plans with. Now, I am confident with what lies ahead because when God told me to give him up, He said it with a promise.
Letting go is a decision. It's not just about the emotion because emotion deceives. PRay hard. Commit it all to God because when loneliness creeps in, He will become your joy. Believe me, I never thought I would be this happy and peaceful again after the break up. But I am now, and I'm glad to see myself moving forward and falling in love with God more and more each day. I have found the satisfaction of my soul and I have matured not just as an individual but as a christian. When I pray now, I no longer pray for reconciliation or second chance for the two of us. I am now asking that He will just direct us both into His presence so that we may feel the fullness of His love and be renewed in His embrace. My heart's desire now is not to see myself building a family with him but to to see him fulfill the covenant he once made with his Maker. And yes, I am praying that he is happy, really happy with where he is right now because he deserves it.
Another thing I've learned: Moving on becomes easier when you forgive. Keeping the grudges will never help. Remembering the betrayal or even the not-so-good moments will just flare up the hatred. In the end, you will be the one being hurt. Move on with love; move on with so much anticipation for the future because it is only then that you can really be happy.
Moving on also requires time. When it's true love, healing doesn't come in a snap. Take one step at a time. Look for someone you can talk to; someone who won't take sides but someone who will give you a clear view and understanding of the situation. Learn to listen and do what is right. When that happens, you will begin to appreciate life again and you will see how beautiful the world is.
This is no longer a message from a broken-hearted person but this is now a testimony of a girl who tried to see things beyond what the eyes can see. Finally, I'm breaking free and thank God because the wounds have healed. God broke me so that I can be made whole again and though the process has been so close to hell, I thank Him because He led me back to where I should belong -- His heart:) And when one day we se each other again, we will tenderly smile at each other knowing that the friendship is still there. We will laugh like we used to and we will share stories like we usually do back then. The romantic kind of love may no longer be there but it won't matter anymore because by then, we are two matured individuals proving the world that everything heals in due time.
I still believe in love. I still believe in its beauty and I know, I will feel it again at the right time and with the right man. But for now, I'll enjoy life as it is and welcome each day with excitement and hope that something better is going to happen. One day, I know I'll fall in love again^.^
No comments:
Post a Comment