Happy birthday Mommy!

I write about you now and I run out of lines.  I've exhausted all the good words I know there is but even “best” cannot adequately give life to all that you are to us.

Every inch of you speaks of love and warmth and security.  You are the most patient person I know and that is something about you that I keep trying to adapt.  You easily see something beautiful even in the worst situation and I don’t really understand how you do that.  You can be the most persistent caller, asking the same question all throughout.  You say it’s already 8am when it is only 6am just to wake us up.  And yes, you are not at all good in getting angry or in cracking jokes. 

You see, you've shown and given much of you that I couldn't help but thank God because you are a constant reminder of His faithfulness.  You do it so well, Mommy.  The small things and the big things, you do them all with the perfect art of femininity. 

You are and will always be my biggest advantage in life! Happy birthday, Mommy and I love you dearly!

Of love blog

I was looking for something in the web yesterday when I came across this blog: christianlovestories.blogspot.com.  I thought it was another hopeless romantic website and it was but there's something in it that made me want to read more. And I was inspired, I was all the more encouraged for a love story made in heaven.

The love of the husband for his wife; the chronicle of how such love can defy even cancer,that kind of love centered not on the woman or the man but on God alone.

And the prayer of Ruth Graham when she was in her teenage years, I would be praying that from today :)
In time, I'd add a Part 2 to that (like Kristy), in God's perfect time, I know, I will.

Let Him Be Like Thee

By: Ruth Graham (Mrs. Billy)

"Dear God," I prayed, all unafraid,

(As girls are apt to be),

"I do not want a handsome man,

But let him be like Thee.

"I do not need one big and strong,

Nor one so very tall,

Nor need he be some genius,

Or wealthy, Lord, at all.

"But let his head be high, dear God,

And let his eyes be clear,

His shoulders straight, whate'er his state,

Whate'er his earthly sphere.

"And let his face have character

A ruggedness of soul,

And let his whole life show, dear God,

A singleness of goal.

"And when he comes, as he will come,

With quiet eyes aglow,

I'll understand that he's the man

I prayed for long ago."

And So He Came

By Kristy Dykes (Mrs. Milton)

"And so he came, dear Lord, one day,

And set my heart aglow,

I knew he was the one I prayed for,

On that day so long ago.

"I prayed so modestly, dear Lord,

And didn't ask for much,

But You knew all along, dear Lord,

And used Your heavenly touch.

"He's as handsome as a picture

With hair as black as coal.

And eyes that always understand,

Revealing his compassionate soul.

"He is so very tall and strong

But that's not all, dear Lord,

His heart is full of tenderness,

That only love affords.

"I've met the one You chose for me

My heart is filled with mirth,

I thank You, Lord, so very much,

For heaven here on earth."

And just like the authors (Kristy and Milton) in that new found favorite blog site,I love christian love stories. I hope to write mine too, with a man after God's own heart.  :)

WASHING MACHINE AND THE THOUGHTS THAT CAME WITH IT (071313 Diary Entry))

Thank goodness, the washing machine I bought continues to make my life a little easier :) Makes me think of the next appliance I have (actually it's want and not have) to buy.

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Funny how the need for a washing machine could lead me to writing this. I know, it is kinda ordinary but for someone like me who always equate salary to new dresses, new books and lots of food,this is somehow interesting.

I do wash my clothes but because I am barely home during weekends, all I want to do when I have time is sleep. The idea of a washing machine only came after our neighbor's helper who usually do the laundry for us, left. We shifted to laundry shop but we soon noticed that we're losing pants and blouses. That left us with no choice but to do the laundry, hand wash at that. It would have been ok if we have the luxury of time but Merryl has Sat classes and April is in the Dialysis Ctr from 6-6, leaving us all restless with just the sight of the laundry basket.

I was really smiling last Thur with the thought of me, buying a home appliance. I was even amazed when I started thinking about the budget for grocery, my sisters' allowance, and other needs. It didn't feel like this when I was 5 years younger. It doesn't also feel like this when I'm at home. Well, home is and will always be my comfort zone: I don't cook, I don't wash, in short, I don't have to worry about anything.

But things are different now and the fact that I am 'growing up' became all the more obvious this week. Instead of searching for the latest book I can buy, I saw myself asking other people about washing machine brands. It also dawned on me that I can now save P250-P350 each week because it's bye bye laundry shop (though I have to take P150 for softdrinks and junk foods for me and my sisters. Hindi madaling magbanlaw haha). Wheew! Talk about saving and budgeting  I'll have to learn more of those.

And yes, I was able to finally buy one (and a flat iron on sale haha, you know, girls!) last night (pocket draining) and thanks to my ever cooperative body clock that woke me up at 7 instead of 10, I'm done with the three laundry baskets (It still took long because I didn't want to use the dryer and I'm a bit OC with some of our clothes that I had to hand-wash them. hay!!I need body massage). 

I've also just finished eating BRUNCH (breakfast-lunch) which I had to cook after washing because my sisters who are supposed to be helping me now are attending to a cousin's need. 

Oh, the thrills and frills of being independent! Fulfilling? Of course! These realizations bring me so much appreciation of the season I am in. Tiring? Definitely! But the physical exhaustion could never compare to the satisfaction that comes from within. There' so much more to learn (cooking) and I don't know if this new interest in household matters comes from being 25 haha! We'll see! 

So what now?? Oh, I intend to sleep the whole afternoon! Masyado na akong masipag

Happy Birthday Dadsung! (032413 FB Entry)

Have you not been strong enough to leave your old ways, I would not have had such an awesome family. Have u not chosen to be a faithful husband, even with the crowd of women around u, I would never have seen and believed in the beauty of marriage. Have u not responded to the call of God, things would have been really different. Have u not been "kengkoy" enough to sit beside me, put your arms around my shoulder, call me darling and neneng, and jokingly ask me on the things that are going on in my life, I wouldn't have had such assurance of the woman that I am. It takes a real man to do all those things daddy, a real man to become a good father, a wonderful husband, an obedient child of God. It takes a real man to be man enough and u did them all. I can never be more proud for being your daughter and day by day, your life reminds me of how God has greatly blessed me. To the one constant man in my life, happy birthday  Love u dadsung, see u in few days!

050413 Entry. Happy graduation to me!

No, this doesn't mean that I am now better than anyone else for I compete with no one but myself. Everyday, I struggle to be better than the younger me, to be wiser than the person that I used to be and this night marks another victory over the sometimes-or-more-often-hard-headed me:) 

And with all these, I give the highest honor to my God who allowed me to go beyond boundaries and to conquer more things I never thought I could. I know even better now that He is not yet finished with me. The thirst for learning goes on and this is just one of the many more beautiful things to come.

Self-Reminder

This article still has the same effect on me: it makes me smile big time !
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Dear Beautiful Me,

You know very well that there is nothing to be anxious about.  You are serving the Author of time, and what you think is too late for you is just His perfect timing of working out His plans.

I am glad and proud of the woman you’ve become.  Looking back, I didn’t know you would be as strong as you are now and I smile every time I look at you.  I know the journey has not been easy. You’ve had your fair share of the bumpy and winding roads but dear Joy, you’re hanging on and for every narrow way, you always come out victorious, glory to the God who sustains you.

You are beautiful, don’t you ever forget that.  The standards of the world can be deceiving, but I know that you know how beautiful and wonderful God made you.  You are a princess, the daughter of the Most High and when earthly things begin to take toll on you, I know that you will always overcome.

Protect your heart; guard your thoughts. I understand it isn’t easy but everything starts with the mind. I pray that you will never be misled by emotions. Do not rush my dearest for love knows its own time. Do not work things out on your own for you very well know where it will lead you. Wait patiently. It will come.

Never get tired of being good. No matter how unfair the world may seem, you’ve got to make a decision every single day to be the child that God created you to be: long-suffering.  Keep that love; keep that heart because at the end of it all, it’s always between you and your Master. Do not let the pains of the past rob the goodness in you but let it keep you going.

Keep exploring. Let the world surprise you with its grandeur. Stay curious.  Keep learning. Be brave enough to take challenges.  Savor life for you were made to explore and see how beautiful the earth your Father has created for you is. Study. Travel. Go and make the world your own!

Cherish time.  You know that no one has yet invented a machine that will transport you back to yesterday.  Live each day as if it’s your last.  Love fully and let each day be an expression of your appreciation of life.  Stay connected.  Reconnect if you must.  The people you value need to feel valued.  The people you love need to feel loved. Don’t hold yourself back. Express.  Make your presence felt. You are not getting any younger and every moment wasted is forever wasted. Don’t rely on “making up” because you can never really make up for the lost times. Each day will always be a new day.

Time is precious.  It’s a scarce resource.  Use it wisely.  Spend it right.

Keep dreaming.  Keep hoping.  God placed in you a dream and He has equipped you to make it happen. Don’t give up when circumstances would say otherwise.  Keep on.  Keep fighting.  You’re getting there and each day would remind you that you are a day closer to the answers.
Never give up on love.  Someone is kneeling before God and praying for you.  Keep believing in it.  Never distance yourself from its magic.  Allow your heart to feel it again; to celebrate it again.  You are looking at the same sky and like you, God is preparing him for your meeting.  The dreams you once dreamed will all come to pass, probably not with the person you dreamed it with, but it’s definitely with the man that God created exclusively for you.  And trust me, he, himself will be the definition of love to you.

Keep writing.  This is you.  This makes you YOU.  Let your mind free itself from everything and let it explore the world of words.  Then write.  Bring life to it.  Inspire the world.  You are a writer but more than that, you are God’s pen. Write your story the right way!

Lastly, keep the faith.  Never lose it.  Keep the fire burning and know that God will always see you through.  When trusting becomes so hard, remember that He will never leave you nor forsake you.  Fight the good fight of faith.  Take part in the kingdom.  Be a testimony of God’s power and love.  Four years ago, you were telling the world through this same Young Blood page how torn you were between your dreams and your convictions.  Look at you now, God finally reconciled the two.  You’re now on track, doing the things you love most.

My dearest Me, I want you to always remember that you are good the way you are.  The angels rejoice with you.  The heavens celebrate your uniqueness, your being you.  And even when troubles come, I know we’ll always make it.  We’re more than conquerors, aren’t we?  Whatever life brings us, we choose to live a life that is for Christ.  You are beautiful, more than you’ve ever known.  You are blessed, more than you can ever imagine.  And yes, you are what your name says about you.  Joy.   You are a perfect masterpiece created by the Maker of heaven and earth.  You are a sight to behold.

And don’t forget we’re partners, okay?  We’re in this together: mind and heart united, until we hear our Master say, “well done my good and faithful servant.”

Until next time beautiful Joy.

http://opinion.inquirer.net/44007/a-self-reminder

I am 25 and I love it! (Diary Entry 6/15/13)

Twenty five years. Wow! Happy silver anniversary to me! J  And because it is one special day, I’m giving myself the privilege to write everything I want.  Three, five or even another 25 years from now, I will go back to this note and vividly remember how God has sustained me.

When the clock hit 12 MN, I purposively scanned my journals and looked at all the photos in my laptop.  I wanted to look back; I wanted to see once more how I spent the first 25 years of my life.  I wanted to remember the people who became part of the journey; to reflect on how every name, how every face has contributed to the woman I am now staring in the mirror.

It’s humbling.  It’s heartwarming.  In their faces, I saw how God has been moving the past years.  To each and every circumstance I’ve faced and dealt with them, I’ve learned a lot. 

Of dreaming, exploring and succeeding

Money will never define success.  At the onset of my career, that was what I pursued and it brought me nowhere.  Success is when you dream of that something you really love doing, pursuing it no matter what the cost and enjoying it along the way.  It is when after the end of each day, you are able to smile and feel contented with what you are doing.  Success is when you feel that your dreams and convictions are finally one J

The glory that comes with letting go

When I was in Singapore, I used to look up and say, “Why does the sky seem to be so small, Lord?”  Hope was elusive and things were totally out of control.  I didn’t know how to respond anymore but in my darkest times, God found His way to humble me and to usher me back home.  It was there that I learned what total surrender means.    It was also there that I saw how blessed I am for having my family who has supported me all the way, friends who have cried and prayed with me and spiritual family who never got tired of interceding for me.

When I started letting go of my own plans, everything started making sense.  The sky seemed to be so vast again. The journey with jeeps, buses and planes all started with a bold declaration, “TAKE OVER Lord!”

Of buses, jeepneys, motorbikes and planes

When I was attending a Sunday Service in CLSU Lakas Angkan, a pastor related of how God has brought him to places without spending, and he said, God can do the same in our lives.  I believed him and I claimed it but it took years before I saw it coming to life. 

Until now, I am still amazed on how God has orchestrated the details of my life.  I once attended a job fair in MOA after graduation.  After that, I sat on the benches near the bay.  I remember how I was looking at the planes in the sky and I said, “God, one day, I’ll ride planes again.”

And here I am now, going to places I never thought I would ever reach.  I ride on buses to different towns, motorbikes (and even habal-habal) going to communities and yes, planes to different countries and provinces.  And when I am hundreds of feet above the ground, I would look down and realize how big God is.  He is able!

Of love, being loved and loving again

I’ve missed writing about love, the romantic kind of love this time.  There are times when people close to me would brutally tell me that I’m not getting any younger; that maybe, I’ll end up being an old maid.  The first time I heard all those, I was in a panic and I wanted to rush in love again but God said, uh-oh, not again dear Joy J

And so I made a decision to give myself the chance to be alone.  I promised to give myself more time to explore, to enjoy being with friends and family, to dream on my own.  Sure, there were still times when I wished someone was texting me those cheesy messages and there were times when I wanted to break my rule but I knew it wasn’t time yet.  So I learned to enjoy the season and to take it as my time to prepare myself for that special day.

Here’s a portion of what I wrote dated 09/26/12.

I think of you now.  I will think of you in the coming days, in the coming months.  I guess, there will never be a time when I won’t be thinking of you.  Until we meet face to face.  Until we reach that moment when we both wouldn’t know how to tell the story of you, finding me, and me, waiting for you. 

Until then my dearest.   Until you find me.  Until I see you.  Until we meet. 

It was liberating!  The moment I let go the world’s dictates as to what makes me happy, God, the ultimate lover of my soul, finally had the space to show me things I could never even put into words.  I gave Him the pen of my love story and He is about to let the world read His beautiful masterpiece!

Of studying, learning and growing in wisdom

When I enrolled for graduate studies, it was out of boredom and it was simply for another extension to my name.  Along the process, I realized that I want to learn more so I can give more.  Studying and learning are two different things and I continue to choose the latter. 

Of my undying motto, always choose to do good

But I am no saint and it’s always been because of God’s grace.  I will always thank Him for the wisdom that avenging myself will never lessen the pain I’ve been through; that the more I hate, the more I hurt.  And so I smiled.  I laughed.  I wept for a while but I made sure to stand firm afterwards.  I chose to do good and I have no regrets.  Good things followed me afterwards.

The journey continues

Twenty five years and counting! Just like the first quarter, I know that the next years will not be smooth at all but I take honor in every breaking and molding because gold is always refined in flames. The journey continues and my heart is filled with gratitude to all those who journeyed with me.

And while this may be one of the best years I had, I believe that my God never runs out of best things for His children.  I will see more, and soon, I will write them all once more!

I am 25 and I love it!

Day before my birthday, my Supervisor asked me to come early the following morning for a meeting.  I thought I'll be deployed in Mindanao for the Emergency Response. The next day, I was at the office at 7.  When they called me to enter the conference room, I brought with me my pen, laptop and notebook, thinking that we'll be having a meeting. But lo and behold, charraaannn!!! Thanks ITD Team and to my officemates :)   

Last year, our Pre-Selection Training (PST) was set on my birthday and these PST batchmates surprised me.  And here they are, again!

And yes, celebrating my birthday with family is definitely heaven.

This bday surprise happened a week before my birthday.  My HS barkada knew that I can't see them on the 15th so the day after I got back from a work-related travel, they asked me to see them somewhere in Cubao.  They told me to bring an extra shirt.  Well, we went to Enchanted Kingdom and had a good time!

Why God says "WAIT"

When God seems to be so silent and distant, He's just asking us to WAIT. He says this not because He wants us to suffer even more or that He wants us to be like beggars begging for mercy. He says WAIT because He wants us to experience the fullness of His grace and He wants us to know Him not just as a Giver but as a Father^.^

Yet those who wait for the LORD

Will gain new strength;

They will mount up with wings like eagles,

They will run and not get tired,

They will walk and not become weary.

(Isaiah 40:31)

Be encouraged because God is a God who never fails. He may seem late but His timing will always be PERFECT. Here's one good encouragement which I came across the net:)

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Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried,

Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.

I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,

And the Master so gently said, “Child, you must wait.”

“Wait? You say, wait! ” my indignant reply.

“Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!

Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?

By Faith, I have asked, and am claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I can relate

Hangs in the balance, and YOU tell me to WAIT?

I’m needing a ‘yes’, a go-ahead sign,

Or even a ‘no’ to which I can resign.

And Lord, You promised that if we believe

We need but to ask, and we shall receive.

And Lord, I’ve been asking, and this is my cry:

I’m weary of asking! I need a reply!

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate

As my Master replied once again, “You must wait.”

So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut

And grumbled to God, “So, I’m waiting … for what?”

He seemed, then, to kneel, and His eyes wept with mine,

And he tenderly said, “I could give you a sign.

I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.

I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.

All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.

You would have what you want – But, you wouldn’t know Me.

You’d not know the depth of My love for each saint;

You’d not know the power that I give to the faint.

You’d not learn to see through the clouds of despair;

You’d not learn to trust just by knowing I’m there;

You’d not know the joy of resting in Me

When darkness and silence were all you could see.

You’d never experience that fullness of love

As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove;

You’d know that I give and I save… (for a start),

But you’d not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort late into the night,

The faith that I give when you walk without sight,

The depth that’s beyond getting just what you asked

Of an infinite God, who makes what you have LAST.

You’d never know, should your pain quickly flee,

What it means that “My grace is sufficient for Thee.”

Yes, your dreams for your loved one overnight would come true,

But, Oh, the Loss! If I lost what I’m doing in you!

So, be silent, My Child, and in time you will see

That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.

And though oft may My answers seem terribly late,

My most precious answer of all is still, “WAIT.”

- Author unknown

Of Letting Go and Moving On..

I can't believe I am actually writing this now. I didn't expect it to be this fast. I thought, it would take me years before I can totally let go of the feeling. I thought it would even reach a lifetime before I can genuinely smile when someone asks me "how's your heart?".

It's all because of God's grace I believe.

The first month was really, really bad. I've never cried that much before. I've never felt so bad and devastated until that day. It felt like moving on was the hardest thing on earth. Wherever I go, memories would keep coming back. It wasn't easy. Words are not even enough to describe how shattered I was then. And I must admit. I hoped. I wished. I even prayed that second chance would be possible for us. I cried rivers hoping that somehow, the love story which I grew up with would really have a happy ending.

Until God told me to let go. Until God whispered in my very heart that I should take my gaze away from that emotion and fix my eyes on Him instead. Until He told me that He is in control and holding on to something which puts Him second best will just make matters worse. Again, I cried. This time, I cried not because I didn't want to obey but I cried because I knew God was teaching me something. I cried because I've realized how focused I am on myself and on that person that I came to the point of almost forgetting God. I cried because I felt so guilty knowing that the pain I am going through is nothing compared to the pain that I've been giving Him because I neglected Him. I cried because the moment He showed me why He allowed it to happen, I knew it's really time to loosen my grip.

Then I started to pray like I never used to. Whenever my mind drifts away, I would call unto Him and ask Him to give me strength so that I can let go. I prayed that He would fill me with so much love so that I will have something more to give. I prayed that He would heal my heart so that I can breakfree from my own self. I prayed that He would show me His purpose so that I can easily move ahead. And yes, He granted the cries of my heart. Slowly, He unfolded His will in my life. Through the books I've read, through the poeple I've talked to, He answered my prayers.

I've never been bitter with him. I am even surprised that never have I felt anger towards him. Perhaps because what I felt was really true love. He has been my dream, my first love, my friend, my companion and there is nothing I can say against him. I know what we had was real but we just grew apart and so we had to part ways. I know he loved me as much as I loved him but we came to the point when love was no longer enough to keep the relationship going and so we had to call it quits. This is also the reason why forgiveness came that fast. More than the boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, we were bestfriends and no matter what happened, the bond that we have formed for years will remain unbreakable.

Today, I can honestly say that I'm ok. There are still times when I think about him but the pain is no longer there. When I think of him, I can now smile and sincerely be happy for him. I will not also regret the time that I fell in love with that man because I just know that my life wouldn't be as it is now without him. I am no longer afraid to dream alone. I am no longer afraid to see myself in the future without the person whom I've shared my plans with. Now, I am confident with what lies ahead because when God told me to give him up, He said it with a promise.

Letting go is a decision. It's not just about the emotion because emotion deceives. PRay hard. Commit it all to God because when loneliness creeps in, He will become your joy. Believe me, I never thought I would be this happy and peaceful again after the break up. But I am now, and I'm glad to see myself moving forward and falling in love with God more and more each day. I have found the satisfaction of my soul and I have matured not just as an individual but as a christian. When I pray now, I no longer pray for reconciliation or second chance for the two of us. I am now asking that He will just direct us both into His presence so that we may feel the fullness of His love and be renewed in His embrace. My heart's desire now is not to see myself building a family with him but to to see him fulfill the covenant he once made with his Maker. And yes, I am praying that he is happy, really happy with where he is right now because he deserves it.

Another thing I've learned: Moving on becomes easier when you forgive. Keeping the grudges will never help. Remembering the betrayal or even the not-so-good moments will just flare up the hatred. In the end, you will be the one being hurt. Move on with love; move on with so much anticipation for the future because it is only then that you can really be happy.

Moving on also requires time. When it's true love, healing doesn't come in a snap. Take one step at a time. Look for someone you can talk to; someone who won't take sides but someone who will give you a clear view and understanding of the situation. Learn to listen and do what is right. When that happens, you will begin to appreciate life again and you will see how beautiful the world is.

This is no longer a message from a broken-hearted person but this is now a testimony of a girl who tried to see things beyond what the eyes can see. Finally, I'm breaking free and thank God because the wounds have healed. God broke me so that I can be made whole again and though the process has been so close to hell, I thank Him because He led me back to where I should belong -- His heart:) And when one day we se each other again, we will tenderly smile at each other knowing that the friendship is still there. We will laugh like we used to and we will share stories like we usually do back then. The romantic kind of love may no longer be there but it won't matter anymore because by then, we are two matured individuals proving the world that everything heals in due time.

I still believe in love. I still believe in its beauty and I know, I will feel it again at the right time and with the right man. But for now, I'll enjoy life as it is and welcome each day with excitement and hope that something better is going to happen. One day, I know I'll fall in love again^.^

To My Future Husband

photo from the web

I wish I know what you are doing now; I wish I can also have a glimpse of who you are. I wonder how you look like; I wonder how sweet your smile is and how expressive your eyes are.

I don't even know why I am writing this now. Perhaps because my heart is grieving and that somehow, I'm wishing you were here to comfort me and say that everything will be fine. I'm wishing that somehow, you were here to hug me and assure me that tomorrow will be a different day. God said that He will give me the man who will complement my dreams. He said that the right man will run the race with me and share every vision that He placed in my heart. I don't know if we already met before and I don't even know how long will I have to wait before I meet you but know that I shall prepare myself until you come.

Maybe God is preparing the two of us so that when the right time comes, we'll make the best love story ever. I can only imagine what you're doing now. Is He speaking to you at this moment like how He is speaking to me? Do you also think of me like how I am thinking of you?

I love you and I want to love you more each day. I don't care if I have never seen you before or if we already met each other; what matters is you're God's best for me. When God will finally introduce you to me, I'd love to see how you would react. Will you hug me? Will you smile at me and shake hands with me? Will we pray together and thank God that our moment has finally come? All these may just be dreams now but I will always anticipate the realization of all these.

Don't worry, wherever you are, I'll take care of myself. I will practice each day to be the woman that you deserve. I will preserve myself until you come. I will guard my thoughts so that whenever I feel like you're no longer coming, I won't do anything that will lead me farther from you.

Do you know that I am not a good cook? I only know few recipes but one day, I'll learn how to cook the best food for you. I will be a woman of honor so that when you come, you will be proud of me.

I know that God is likewise working on you now. He's preparing you to be the best man for me; the man who will be the last person to make me cry and the man who will strengthen me when I'm at my weakest. You will be the man who will write me letters and give me flowers unexpectedly because I really love surprises. You will be the man who will tell me that I am beautiful despite all my imperfections. You will be the man who will look at me like I'm the only girl in the world. In your eyes, I will see how much you love me and how much you would want to stop the ticking of the clock just so you can be with me.

I understand that you will never be perfect but remember that I will always be here to support you. We will complement each other's weaknesses and we will support each other until we overcome the problem. I will have my flaws and you will have yours but it will never lessen the love I feel for you.

I really hope I can meet you soon but I won't rush. When my heart is ready to love again; when it no longer remembers the pain of the past and when it no longer cries over the things that were done, then maybe we can start our own story. My heart is filled with so much anticipation for you. In God's perfect time, we will meet. By then, we are both ready to take life anew and share in all the goodness and pains that it offers. I shall be your strength and you shall be my shield.

I hope you always take care of yourself. I believe that God is watching over you and that He is making you more and more like Him. I love you, I love you and I love you my beloved.

With so much love,


Your future wife:)

To My First Love:Jesus

Through it all you never stopped loving me
When you look into my eyes and your arms reach mine,
I feel the wind gently locking your soul to mine;
I feel the tenderness of your every whisper,
of your every embrace and of your every touch.
Looking back on the times you were with me,
I feel like a new being relieved from being barren;
Like a new creation starting to see the grandeur of earth.
Where could I hide from your love?
Where could I go aside from your presence?
In times of my weakness, you were my strength;
In times of my sorrow, you were my joy
And even in the time of my death, you shall be my life.
I love you with every breath I take
I love you with everything that I make
And I love you more each morning that I wake.

Reflections

I wrote this when I was 19. Reading it again now, I feel renewed. Youth are indeed idealistic and it makes me feel like I am back in those days when everything seems to be easy.

And when you’re done with your lessons of this world’s absurdities, when you’re fully equipped with armor against imperfections; when you’re back from your travel to the abyss, then you have explored reality. But if in your journey to reality you have recognized and chose forgiveness over pride, honesty from pretensions, being productive from being idle and being pro active from being too reactive, then you have had a glimpse of eternity.

Philosophical as it may sound but I’m glad that this time, I finally had the courage to share what is inside of me. I don’t even think that this is still a part of my craft, which is weaving ideas from a world of million words. I have this feeling that I am too young for these realizations.
However, this is a reality which the world never dared to understand. Why can’t we be the people and the nation that we should be? I was only 10 years old when I was separated from my family. As young as I was, I learned to be independent and at the same time, I learned what emptiness means. I tried to be strong but I realized that being strong is not enough to ease the pain. And it was during those times that I created a different concept of life. A concept contrary to what I used to believe when I was still that carefree and outspoken child. For years, I drew a line between me and this world.

Believe me, I, just like anybody else has seen and experienced the cruelty of fate. But it is only now that I am beginning to unfold the mysteries behind those tears. I know now that God had a purpose for me. So you see, life isn’t bitter after all. One reflection that I had is that the problem with me and the people in general is that, we know that life has something good to offer yet we always choose to remember only the hurts. We linger on the grim scenarios without even trying to negate the feeling or the situation. We demand without the intention of giving; we look at others’ mistakes without even trying to simply review ourselves. The product? A heart unable to love and appreciate.

I can say that I am a woman crafted by the twists and turns of life. I am who I am right now because I dared to detach myself from the intricacies of my existence and started to view this world with a hope - a hope that someday, in God’s perfect time, we, the people will learn the unspoken language of love. A dream that one day, the leaders will finally comprehend the simple meaning of leadership and service.

I remember my teacher asking me when I was in high school. She asked me why I write. Now, I know. I write because I want to touch lives. I know that what I am saying right now is very common. Yet I find it ironic that despite of its commonness, we still don’t get the point. Or perhaps we know the point yet we continue to hate corrections. People may question me for these ideals but this is what a young mind speaks of. The nation would like to hear the sentiments of the youth? Then right now, I say that we need people of action and not of rambles. The youth need to see a changing Philippines not just in terms of economy but more over, in the characters of the people whom we look up to.

Do not be content with what you have explored. Dig deeper, swim deeper or even climb higher. There is more to the realities of this world. If only we allow ourselves to penetrate the sanctity of all the heartaches we have undergone, we can see diamonds in our tears. If only we allow our eyes to see different perspectives, we can see a rose still in bloom despite of the many thorns. Learn to determine where you are before, where you are today and then decide where you will be tomorrow. I say this though I am young. Everybody has been a captive of frustration but not everybody has been wise enough to recognize the way out of this slavery. They die without even experiencing peace and without tasting heaven on earth. I remember Uleng who was featured in MMK. He is a living testimony of a young man who dared to make a difference when everybody around him chose to surrender. I know that despite of all the things he went through, he has found the key to the glory of living. It is because he has learned how to deal with life’s circumstances in the right way.

I don’t know where this life would take me in the future. I don’t even know if this article will be published or if it will somehow affect the people if ever it will be. People may even question me or may reject my insights but this is the reflection of who I am. If I write something that is against my belief, then I become a traitor to myself.

Sana..Balang-araw..Ikaw Naman..

This was my last column for CLSU Collegian. My stay with the University publication has made my college life worth remembering.

Marahil ay nagtataka ang ilan kung paano nga ba nabubuo ang mga ganitong libro. Marahil din ay maraming nagtatanong kung paanong ang isang manunulat ay nakakapagtagpi-tagpi ng mga salita upang mabuo ang isang artikulong maaaring gumising, magpaiyak, magpatawa at mangusap sa puso ng mga mambabasa.

Mahirap magsimula ng isang kwento; mahirap magsimula ng isang tula at higit sa lahat, mahirap ang magsulat. Sige, paglakbayin mo ang iyong imahinasyon, hayaan mong pumasok ang iyong kaluluwa sa mga bagay na sinasabing hindi totoo; hayaan mong malunod ang iyong isipan sa mga bagay na nakikita lamang ng pangarap, nararamdaman lamang ng hangin at naririnig lamang ng katahimikan. Hayaan mong ang kumontrol sa iyong lapis ay ang munting tinig ng iyong kaibuturan. Magsimula ka doon upang mabatid mo ang kalagayan ng taong nagbigay buhay sa mga karakter na nakikilala mo ngayon sa librong ito.

Kapag nagawa mo na iyan, baka sakaling kahit minsan ay magawa mong bigyan ng konting pagkilala ang taong nasa likod ng pluma at papel. Baka sakali ring sa susunod ay mag-iisip ka muna bago mo upuan, itapon o gawing pamaypay ang mga inilalabas na dyaryo. Higit sa lahat, baka sakaling malalaman mo ang nais kong ipahiwatig kapag sinabi kong mas mabuti pang base na lang sa imahinasyon ang lahat ng nakasulat sa isang lathalain.

Minsan kasi, napakahirap makipagbuno sa katotohanan; minsan, nakakalungkot ang magsulat ng isang realidad. Kapag totoong buhay at pangyayari na ang pinag-uusapan, laging may bahid ng kalungkutan ang bawat istorya dahil hindi lahat ng kwento ay nagtatapos ng “and they lived happily ever after”.

Habang hawak mo ang librong ito, nawa’y mabatid mo ang kapangyarihan ng pluma. Habang pinipilit naming ilarawan sa iyo ang totoo sa pamamagitan ng aming imahinasyon, sana’y dumating ang araw na mabago ng librong ito ang iyong pananaw sa maraming bagay. Sana’y magising ka ng kapirasong librong ito. Kapag may nagsabi sa iyong, “uy, ubusin mo iyang nasa plato mo, maraming ‘di kumakain”, sana, ‘di na lumabas ang kasagutang “’pag inubos ko ba ‘yan, mabubusog ba sila?”

Kapag sinisitsitan, basta-basta mo na lang hinohoy o dinadabugan ang mga NATO drivers dahil marahil sa taas ng pamasahe, sana lumukob sa iyo ang realisasyong katulad mo rin silang tao na dapat irespeto; katulad mo rin silang kumakalam hindi lang ang tiyan kundi pati ang puso. Kung gaano ang pagnanais mong makapagtapos ay siya rin ang pagnanais nilang makita ang mga anak na tumanggap ng diploma.

Habang patuloy na nilalabanan ng ating bansa ang kahirapan, patuloy din kaming nakikipaglaban sa kawalang konsiderasyon sa mga mahihirap. Minsan, kapag nakakakita ako ng mga matatandang namamalimos o matatandang hanggang ngayon ay nagbabanat pa rin ng buto para sa pamilya, hindi ko maiwasang hindi mag-isip ng maraming bagay. Ayaw na ayaw ko rin sa mga balita na nagsasabing may matandang nawawala sa mall dahil iniwan ng mga anak. Kung may titindi man sa pagiging salat sa pagkain, iyon ay ang pagiging salat sa pagmamahal.

Nasasabi ko ang mga ito dahil lola’s girl ako at naipangako ko sa sarili ko na balang-araw, hindi mararansan ng mga magulang ko ang mga napapanood ko sa balita. Nakamamatay nga siguro sa pisikal na katawan ang kawalang pagkain subalit mas mahirap ang unti-unti mong nakikitang namamatay ang iyong puso.

Marahil ay ito na ang huling column ko para sa genre at kung may nais man akong maiwan sa mga mambabasa ng librong ito, iyon ay ang lakas ng panulat. At sana, sa pagkakataong mabatid mo ito, magawa mong pagsanibin ang pwersa ng realidad at ng iyong imahinasyon upang busugin ang mga kumakalam na utak.

Kapag nabasa mo ito, sana ay magkaroon ka ng matinding pagkagutom sa mga mahikang hatid ng mga tintang nakapaloob sa librong ito. Doon ka magsimula dahil alam ko na kahit bata ka, may kapangyarihan kang baguhin ang iyong lipunan sa pamamagitan ng pagsulat. Hindi na lang basta love story ito, hindi na lang ito basta tungkol sa iyong mga crush na nagpapakilig sa iyo subalit ang pagsusulat ay isang rebolusyon upang magkaroon ng pagbabago. Kung dumating ang puntong maligaw ka, bumalik ka sa pagkakataong ito kung saan makikita mo ang unang dahilan ng iyong pagsulat – at iyon ay ang maging pamatid-gutom sa mga tigang na kaisipan.

Matalino ka, magaling ka, makapangyarihan ka. Suungin mo ang mundo ko, suungin mo ang mundo naming manunulat. Hindi lahat madali, hindi lahat magugustuhan ka subalit hindi ka nabuhay at lalong hindi ka nagsusulat upang subukang gustuhin ka ng lahat. Magpatuloy ka at darating ang araw na kapag wala na ang lahat, mananatili pa rin ang iyong mga akda at ito ay patuloy na gigising at magbubukas sa isipan ng maraming mamamayan.

At iyon, iyon ang magiging pinakamatamis na tropeo at medalya mo bilang isang alagad ng pluma at papel.

For Her

I wrote this column for the University publication about a year ago. One accident yet it has impacted my life. That girl is still in my heart and she will always be here. I wish young people will learn from this. One mistake may mean life.

Still I can’t explain why things happen beyond our control. Still I find it hard to comprehend life’s cycle and why that cycle should be that way.

I guess that’s how life goes on: joy, pain, success, frustrations, laughter, tears and so on and so forth. It will always be a mixture of sugar and pepper; a conjuncture of love and hatred. Life will never be as magical as fairy tales tell us because in reality, life has its bitterness to share.

I thank God because through it all, He never failed to show me that He loves me and that He is always there for me. It’s just sad that I waited for the most horrible whip I could ever think of before I learned the meaning of obedience and felt the consequences of disobedience.

It was hard and until now, the trauma is still there. The scene keeps coming back; the scar of losing someone is still haunting me. It felt like I was in a movie where the ending is tragic and yet, the feeling of just watching it and actually experiencing it are far different.

Who would have thought that it would end up that way? Sometimes, I wish I had the power to see the future. Sometimes, I wish magical powers are true and a fairy would come right in front of me, swish her magic wand so that I can have that power. Probably, that accident could have not occurred.

But then, life is life; reality is reality. I still am not in control of everything; I still am not a god who can say that I know everything. Maybe, when I will see Him, all these things and circumstances will make sense.

Even as I write this column, I can feel that I am not yet ready to write as I usually do. Things are no longer the same because of that incident. And yet, I want to continue what I have started because I have seen how much she loved her craft. I want to continue writing because in every article that I finish, I know she’s smiling. For every issue that kule releases, I know, she’s proud because she’s part of it.

For now, I just want to entrust my life to God. Others have already judged us without knowing the story but I have learned that this will always be part of the bitter reality of life. Some will try to destroy us, some will try to make us feel that they are concerned about us but in the end they would bite us but I know that my God is not blind. He sees more than what we can see and no matter how people pretend in front of us, I know He knows who is true and who is not.

This column is for her. This is for the girl who made me realize a lot of things. This is for the writer who no longer had the chance to share more stories but was able to leave a mark in the world of letters and words. This is for the person who would untiringly join us during press works and would willingly learn when given the chance. Above all, this is for the girl who became a friend, a sister, a daughter, a student, a grandchild and a writer.

I will remember her as the girl who avoided using my laptop when encoding her articles. I will remember her for her childish actions and yet responsible when given tasks. And I guess, one thing that I will never forget about her is that, she’s the only person in Collegian who gave and read a letter for me.

Funny it may seem but I am doing what I used to comment about people who have lost their loved ones. I am actually telling now how much I appreciate her despite of the fact that she no longer hears or reads what I am saying. The cliché lesson is, don’t wait for special people to die before you tell them that you love them or you care for them.

One day, I know I will understand life. One day, I will see the reason for every season. God’s thoughts are not my thoughts, His ways are not my ways but I know He knows what’s best.

This is for her. This is for Almira.

Above Rational

There are things that go beyond being rational. Sometimes, it isn't just about the brain; it is not just about the mind. When was the last time that you had a time to listen to that vivid voice inside you? When was the last time that you intently looked at your self in the mirror? I've been asking the same questions to myself.

Probably, I've made life a burden instead of a blessing that is why I cannot honestly answer those. It's been a while since I last talked to myself like a weirdo. It's been a while since I gave myself the chance to reflect and check if my heart is still doing good. It's not just about how the mind woks.

Yes, sometimes it's also important to listen to the heart and heed what the spirit says. This time, I wish to look at life in a lighter perspective. This time, I don't want to be hard on myself and on life itself.

Let this blog speak of emotions and not of anything else. Let this reflect joy, pain, success, failure and all the feelings that a human can feel. Let this shout for liberty of the soul and not captivity. Let this picture a living being and not just a thinking creature.